"Survivor: Micronesia" Finale:
"It's Ladies' Night, And The Feeling's Right"

Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Tell me it's not true! Is it over so soon? It seemes like a mere 14 weeks ago that we first turned on our little borrowed black-and-white television and watched 10 fans take on 10 favorites in this game of "Survivor!" And through the weeks, we laughed, we cried, we booed, we hissed, and we never stopped remarking about how WE would have played the game so much better! But now, our time is at an end; yet yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Emir of Enterprise, and all my friends and family will take you home!!!

Things around my tiny Arabian village could not be better! Though "Survivor" is coming to an end for the season and we face an entire summer of not knowing what to do with ourselves, everything else in life is just fine! Cousin Radul is now almost totally healed and has finally gotten rid of that horrible, boa-adorned granny-walker! Honest Omar has yet to recover from getting the wrong shipments, and his shop in town will be closed for several more weeks, at least! But that's not the best news...

After the ladies lost our wager last week, Yamiin and Ismira were forced to close down the restaurant that was threatening to put "Moroccan Robin's" out of business! Needless to say, they were NOT happy about this; and were treating me even more poorly than usual. Well, that all changed yesterday.

Early in the morning, the still-sleeping members of my family were suddenly awakened by the sound of large trucks coming down the street. Hearing the rumbling growing ever more pronounced by the minute, everyone quickly donned their clothing and came outside to take a look. There, in the middle of town, my beat-up sand rover was leading a procession of tractor trailers toward our tents!

Long Legs Lahavi and I were leading the truck parade, and at first, Ismira and Yamiin were even MORE angry. But their anger quickly turned to tears of joy when I shouted "Move The Bus!" and the tractor-trailers were opened to reveal all of our family's possession that have been missing all these months!! All our CDs and DVDs, all of Azidi's toys, all of Hassim's surveillance equipment, and even Radul's "Precious Moments" collections! All of it, back in our possession!

I was FINALLY able to tell everyone the entire story. Long Legs Lahavi, the waitress at Moroccan Robin's, had a third-cousin whose uncle's friend's wife's brother was a member of the "Arabian Underground." Lahavi, through her contacts, had been helping me these last several weeks to track down where all of our stolen valuables had been taken. Bit by bit, item by item, the two of us had managed to recover everything! It took a lot of bribes, payoffs, strongarm tactics, and threats, but it was worth it!

Some of our stuff was found on a freighter bound for India. Some of it was on a United Nations aid flight to Myanmar. Still other items were on the "Survivor" auction site on E-Bay! Some of it was found in Honest Omar's bedroom, and still more was found in a huge cave hidden under Mount Rushmore. That one took a lot of clues to find...

The rest of the day was spent in joyous celebration. Yamiin began cooking a huge feast with all of her newly-returned pots, pans, spices, and flatware. Ismire spent the day trying on all of her outfits, remarking that they all "made her look fat." Azidi and Radul quickly hooked up the "Wii" to our HDTV and spent the rest of the day bowling, playing tennis, and strumming pretend guitars. Wait a minute... we never owned a "Wii" before...

I, of course, was the hero of the day! Once they understood everything, Yamiin and Ismira finally forgave me. We had a special ceremony in which we burned down my little makeshift goatskin hut. I am no longer a single Arab guy! Life is indeed good. And the best part is that my entire family can go to "Moroccan Robin's Eatery" again!!

So, all is well in Honest Achmed's corner of the world once again. Only one thing remains; to watch this last episode of "Survivor!" But what bet to make this time? With three Favotires and one Fan remaining, it has been pretty clear that the Favorites have ruled the game. Again, I am right and Ismira was wrong! But I will not say that out loud if I want to keep my newly-regained place in my bed... Still, we had to decide how to handle our weekly wager.

Eventually, we decided to each pick one of the four remaining finalists, and whoever's Survivor ultimately wins this season's game will be treated like a king (or queen, Ismira reminds us) until the next season starts! No chores, no cooking, no cleaning, just total relaxation! And after what I'VE been through, I could use some...

We drew randomly. I pulled Cirie's name, and I think I have an excellent chance of being pampered this summer. Ismira and Yamiin pulled Amanda, and think they have an equal chance of winning. Hassim and Vishaz chose Natalie, and immediately got into an argument about whether or not Natalie is REALLY that nasty, or is it just the editing. That left Perverti for Radul and little Azidi. Azidi left the tent crying, because she thinks there is absolutely no chance Perverti will get a single vote should she make it that far.

Last time on "Survivor: Micronesia," it was all the ladies versus Eric. Eric certainly didn't help his case by lying to all of them. And what was WORSE, he wasn't even a GOOD liar! But he did win Immunity, so he was safe at Tribal Council. Well, at least until he let the women talk him into giving the necklace to Natalie at that very same Tribal Council. As the entire world looked on in shock, horror, and hilarity, he was then voted out faster than you can say, "Cone or Cup?" Will we see any more surprises? Will we see any more foolish moves? Will we see any more jury members high-fiving each other? The last eighteen-wheeler is rolling in, filled with Radul's Argentinian skin-care products; let's get started!!!

Our glorious home stretch begins back at camp after Tribal Council. The women's cackles can be heard from miles away as they continue to rejoice about pulling off the biggest sucker-punch in "Survivor" history. Giddy with delight, ther stagger into camp, drunk from their success and wishing there were more men around to blindside.

Perverti tells us all the guys fell for the same exact trap. Cirie tells us they beat the guys with their minds. Amanda doesn't say much. Natalie says she likes it now that the guys are gone. She REALLY likes girls... In our tent, Cousin Radul has suddenly looked up from his bowl of Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, very interested.

The next morning, the ladies are sleeping in late up at the cave, because James is no longer around to make noise and prevent them from sleeping. It is a glorious day, indeed! Cirie, Amanda, and Perverti all dreamed about Eric. No, wait, that wasn't a dream; the boy DID give away his Immunity Necklace!

The women all realize that they are the craftiest ones ever to play "Survivor," and spend the morning congratulating themselves. Each one knows, however, that NO ONE can be trusted any longer, and now the WOMEN must start playing games with each other. Natalie can hardly wait! The estrogen-fest continues throughout the day, as the women gather coconuts, tend the fire, catch sharks, burp, and fart just like the guys used to do when they were here. Who needs the guys, anyway?

Certainly not Natalie. Apparently, all SHE needs is Perverti. She is enjoying the quiet talks they have together, the long walks along the beach in the moonlight, and all those discussions about sensible shoes. She knows that even though she is the last Fan remaining in the game, she doesn't have to worry. She trusts Perverti, and she will be safe. As we all sense yet another blindside approaching, we see that Natalie has forgotten two things. She's a girl, and she's white.

But Perverti can flirt with the girls just as well as the guys, as long as it gets her to the one million dollars. Throughout the day, she befriends the lovestruck girl, encouraging her to be assertive, and ask for what she really wants. Perverti better watch out!

But any further girl-on-girl action will have to wait; Amanda has just returned with tree-mail! The ladies had been hoping for the annual "free buffet breakfast" that the Final Four usually receive, but it is not happening this day. The treemail announces an upcoming challenge, apparently for Immunity. Something about scrambling (not eggs) and climbing to new heights. But thay can all rest assured: this will be the last challenge. After this, they will be down to the Final Three, just like in the last several seasons of "Survivor." And Mark Burnett certainly wouldn't change anything just to keep them on their toes, now, would he?

The women head out to the challenge, with everyone except Natalie realizing they have to beat Natalie today. In a nearby lagoon, we see four poles in the water. (Oh great, here come the "pole" jokes...) On the beach are four locked crates (which we are absolutely certain contain puzzle pieces of some sort.) Also nearby is a tall pyramid that we forgot to use in "Survivor: Guatemala," upon which are perched four ladders with no rungs. Ismira quickly does the math, and announces that we have seen variations of this challenge run in 6 other seasons.

Probst welcomes the femme fatales, keeping his hands on his wallet at all times. First things first; Natalie, give back that necklace that wasn't even yours to begin with! And no amount of flirting is going to EVER get it back from Probst! But on to today's rules, for those of you who weren't watching in those previous six seasons.

You will stand on top of the tall poles. If you can balance without looking like a flailing fool, you, will pull up buckets of water from the lagoon. Pour the buckets into the bamboo tubes. Cirie asks if she can just pee into them instead. As you dump the buckets (or okay, Cirie, pee), a set of keys will raise. Perverti asks if it is a set of keys to a truck, and if so, can she trade it to Cirie in return for the Immunity Necklace and hope Cirie doesn't go back on her word? Probst shoots down the idea; who would renege on a promise like that?

Anyway, get the keys and swim back to shore to open the locked chest. Natalie asks if she can unlock Perverti's chest. And not that box on the beach either... Get the ladder rungs, which are actually puzzle pieces (saw THAT one coming!) then place them in the ladders. first one up to the top gets to be a human sacrifice. Oh, wait, that was in "Guatemala" again... In Micronesia, the ancient form of sacrifice was to pull a rope and raise a flag. And no, Natalie, it will not be rainbow-colored. GO!!!

The women each mount their assigned poles and begin to squat. Buckets are flying, water is pouring, and the cameramen are having a cleavage field day. Before long, it becomes obvious that Perverti is the best at getting poles to raise, but surprisingly, Natalie is pretty good at it, too. Both women are swimming back to shore with keys in hand. Amanda is thinking of Ozzy, and Cirie realized that she's just too old for this foolishness anymore. Neither woman can seem to hit the right spot with their water, and are wondering just how the guys do it.

A few moments later, Natalie and Perverti have hit the shore and exposed their chests. They unlock the locks, too. Colored ladder rungs begin flying through the air, even as Cirie and Amanda stagger onto shore, exhausted from squatting, lifting, yanking, and aiming. Perverti and Natalie have a huge lead, and have proven themselves to be the fastest contestants in the game.

But this part of the challenge requires intelligence. Uh, oh. Make that DOUBLE uh oh. Natalie and Perverti are staring at the ladder rungs, not sure if they go horizontally or vertically. Amanda begins quickly putting them into place, catching up and overtaking the others. Tab A, Slot B, Tab C, Slot D, up and up the ladder she goes. Natalie is trying to put two slots together and having no success, Perverti has built her ladder upside down and is thirteen feet underground, and Cirie is beating two of the ladder rungs together in an effort to ward off bobcats.

Amanda pulls ahead of the pack by actually SOLVING the ladder puzzle, and Probst declares her the winner! The producers threaten to go on strike if Mark Burnett has them construct one more complex challenge that most of the players don't even touch. As Amanda receives the Immunity necklace, Cirie is wondering if she could talk her into giving it up. Natalie is wondering who Perverti will decide they should vote for. It certainly won't be HER; she and Perverti are WAY too close. Once again, my "Favorites" are completely dominating Ismira's "Fans!"

Later in the day, the women are preparing for the evening's Tribal Council. In a show of ultimate female solidarity, they all agree to set the last female chicken free instead of killing it. Because it's female, none of them has the heart (or the knowlege) to kill it in cold blood. If it were a male chicken, however, Natalie would have already bitten its head off, drained it of all its blood, and would be flossing with some miscellaneous body part.

Privately, she tells us she knows she's on the bottom of the totem pole. But she's smart enough to know these women are smart, too. If she seems too smart, they will be smart enough to know how smart she is, and will smartly see her ploys. If she DOESN'T seem too smart, she might outsmart them before they get any smart ideas. Sounds like a smart plan to her. But all this thinking really, really smarts.

Talking to Cirie, Natalie realizes that Cirie might want her vote on the jury. Or maybe to put Perverti on the jury. Or maybe she should TELL Perverti about Cirie. Eventually, Natalie mistakes utter confusion for a glimmer of hope, and thinks she might be safe.

Meanwhile, Perverti and Amanda are discussing the Final Three vote. Do they want to go up against Cirie, who everyone loves, or She-devil-can't-wait-to-see-her-go-down-in-flames Natalie? Natalie, of course, wants to stay, and is playing the buttocks-smooching card to its limit. Cirie sees this, and knows it might sway Amanda and Perverti. But then, they all might turn and vote Perverti out. Or one of them might give Probst a giant wedgie at Tribal Council. With these women, anything is possible!!

Personally, I do not believe anyone is going home tonight except Natalie. My "Favorites" are going to stick together! As night falls, the four women make it all the way to the Tribal Council boathouse (without having to stop and ask for directions.) Probst then introduces the jury again, with Eliza, Ozzy, Jason, James, Natalie, and a little dishrag that crawls in with his head between his legs. The women all giggle and wave, but poor Eric hasn't learned to laugh about it just yet.

On to the questions! Four ladies, four blindsides; are any of you concerned about getting blindsided? Natalie says not me, I'm good. Amanda says I don't feel safe. Oh, wait, I'm wearing this necklace; never mind. Could I give it to Eric tonight? Perverti says I don't even know what I'M thinking, but then again, that's pretty much the norm.

So, are you ready for the Final Three? Everyone says certainly, especially since we KNOW there won't be a Final TWO. That would be cruel and unexpected! Probst is taking notes. That would utterly devestate us! Probst sends a message back to Mark Burnett. Cirie says a Final TWO would mean the black chick bites it! Mark Burnett is hastily designing another challenge.

Amanda begs to differ; just because she and Perverti have agreed to always stick together, never vote against each other, and to backstab everyone except each other, why does that make Cirie feel like she's not in their group? Cirie realizes that logic is impossible against this reasoning, so she eventually just smacks Amanda in her puppy-dog face and lets Probst announce it's time to vote.

We see none of the votes, and Ismira takes this as a sign that something unexpected is going to happen. I simply yawn. Sure enough, when Probst tallies the votes, the unexpected has unexceptedly not happened. The vote is 3-1, and Natalie is heading to the other side of Tribal Council! There is time for one last hug and grope with Perverti, and then Natalie must be snuffed. As Natalie heads down the path toward auditions for "Bride of the Grinch," Probst congratulates the rest on making it to the Final Three. But MY family knows they haven't even done the "remember the losers" tour yet, so WE know this game is far from over!

The three exhausted females eventually make their way back to the Dabu beach, tired but glad that they've made it to the end. Amanda, is still upset about Cirie's whole "telling the truth" thing back at Tribal Council. She doesn't understand how Cirie can feel left out of her and Perverti's Final Two... oops, Final Three. Didn't they always consult Cirie after they'd made up their minds? Didn't they promise to never vote for Cirie? Well... no.

Cirie tries to explain that she feels like the odd woman out because Amanda had Ozzy, Perverti had James, and all Cirie had was one of H.B.'s old jock straps. That, and the fact they made her ride in the back of the bus every time they went to Tribal Council. And that they keep referring to her as "Aunt Jemimah." And for crying out loud, please stop wearing the "I Love Skinheads" T-shirt already!!

The evening eventually disintegrates into crying, apologizing, and a group hug. Back in the states, Jesse Jackson cancels his trip to Micronesia; the problem has been solved. The women all agree that the stress of the game is getting to them, they're tired, and that it's "that time of the month." But at least they've made it to the end, and there won't be any more Immunity Challenges or voting anyone out again. If there WERE, they would all go crazy!

Enough foreshadowing! The next morning, the three women are still busy congratulating themselves on outwitting all the other Survivors, Jeff Probst, and Mark Burnett. They have set the last chicken free, but the bird refuses to leave camp. It stays around, scratching in the sand until the Survivor medical babes show up and force it to be removed from the island for medical reasons. Besides, there is no reason to kill the chicken; the annual "Congratulations, you're the last Survivors" champagne and caviar care package is sure to arrive this morning.

Taste buds tingling, the ladies head up to the tree mail station to collect their hard-won eats. Unfortunately, all the champagne and caviar care packages have gone to typhoon victims in Myanmar, so all THEY find is a note written on a paddle. It says to travel to Exile Island, where you will NOT find an Immunity Idol. Instead, you will find all the torches of your fellow ousted Survivors. Pause at each one, laugh at their misfortune, then proceed to your last Immunity Challenge.

The women are devestated. It seems that the final blindside belongs to Mark Burnett! Amanda spends the morning crying some more about how unfair it all is that she got to play "Survivor" twice (Ismira's heart is bleeding), Perverti says her ego took a bruising, and Cirie is looking forward to sticking it to the skinny white chicks one more time. Eventually, they dry Amanda's eyes, climb into the canoes, and head to three-person exile.

Once there, they stumble upon several torches of people who were voted out too early for them to remember. Because they know the cameras are rolling, they stand silently at each torch and pretend to ponder, remember, and reflect. They don't know any names, so they pay tribute to "Scumbag who turned out to be a wuss," "First Fan that got booted," "Little Asian Yoda man," "Wierd guy with the tattoos that looked like Taylor Hicks," "The not-so-incredible Hulk," "Jewish guy who got injured," and "Nancy-boy whose head the hulk guy smacked all those times."

They visit the torches of "Crazy, rain-soaked broad," "Old lady who still looked hot," "Chick that looks like Tia Leoni," "Bug-eyed girl who tried to play a stick at Tribal Council," "First guy who got voted out while holding an Immunity Idol," "Second guy who got voted out while holding an Immunity Idol," "Guy with the abs who ate bats and got a hurt finger," "The girl Amanda screwed when she played that hidden Idol," "That guy that gave up his... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" and "That girl that Pervert flirted with and now has a crush on Perverti."

That unpleasantness finally finished, the trio quickly loads all the torches into the little Exile Island shack. Amanda throws a torch into the shack, after first checking to see if there is another clue hidden somewhere underneath. As the remaining three Survivors watch all the torches go up in flames, Perverti and Amanda wonder if it wouldn't be too premature to go ahead and throw Cirie's in there, too.

Cirie, sensing danger, quickly ushers the women back into the canoe and they paddle over to a nearby island where Probst is sunbathing in Perverti's old spot and wondering what is taking them so long. He has prepared three tables, upon which rest wooden pedestals upon which rest wooden blocks upon which rest a round metal ball. He tells them that this will be their LAST Immunity Challenge. Unless, of course, you get cocky again and we decide to mess with your minds one more time.

The rules are simple. Pick up the wooden block with the metal ball. Don't drop it. Every time Probst gets bored, we will add more blocks for you to hold steady. As your muscles cramp and fingers ache, Probst will try to distract you with inane comments and hokey observations like "Sun sure is hot today," and "Look behind you; Ozzy is running around naked!" Last person to drop their metal ball wins Immunity and the chance to make a lifelong enemy by single-handedly kicking them out of the game tonight!

The players lift their blocks and the challenge begins. Cirie knows she has this one already won. This is the "operating room" challenge she was talking about back when she berated Tracy the Contractor for doing so poorly in the "building stuff" challenge! Her hands are steady; she would be shamed forever if she lost this one!

After five minutes, more blocks are added. Amanda is wobbling. Perverti's head is spinning, but that's normal. Cirie is concentrating, thinking "Retractor; sponge, clamp..." After five more minutes, still more blocks are added to the challenge. As Probst drones on and on about winning, concentrating, one million dollars, and those new wet wipes back in the men's room at the production camp, Perverti falls asleep. Her blocks and ball hit the ground, and we are down to the nurse and the unemployed girl!

Next round; thirteen more blocks and a live squid are added to the challenge. Cirie drops, the patient is in trouble! But the round has not started. Whew!! The round finally starts, and both women make to the end. For the final round, Probst adds more blocks, fire ants, and begins passing a magnet over the challenge area. Cirie is still thinking, "scalpel... sutures... chocolate cake..." and her patient flatlines. The blocks drop, she has lost the challenge, and her HMO drops her from its list of approved health care providers.

Probst gives the Immunity necklace back to Amanda, then tells her it will be her decision who leaves at tonight's Tribal Council. The women take a minute for a group hug, then Cirie heads back to camp to pack her bags. And drop your torch off on Exile Island on your way out!

Later that afternoon, Cirie is kicking herself for screwing up the "operating room" challenge. She knows that Amanda and Perverti are close, and she realizes that she is probably going home tonight. She decides to dig under the tribe's flag one more time, just in case there's another Immunity idol.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Perverti are up at the cave, being close. Perverti is already looking ahead to tomorrow, going on about how they will spend the day practicing their speeches, giving each other makeovers, and saying all the catty things they have always wanted to say about Cirie. After all, Cirie has made a LOT of people mad!

This thought, however, is not lost on Amanda, who thinks Cirie might be easier to beat that Perverti in the final vote. On one hand, Perverti is her friend. On the other hand, the jury likes Perverti. On the other hand, the jury has been backstabbed by Cirie. On the other hand, they've also been backstabbed by Perverti. On the other hand, Cirie might talk her way into the jury vote. On the other hand, Perverti's nonstop blabbering is driving her insane. On the other hand, Cirie is starting to smell REALLY bad. On the other hand, she is probably screwed either way, because all she did was sit around all game and make puppy-dog faces at everyone.

So what decision will it be? We will soon find out; the sun is going down on another fun-filled, jury-filled evening at Tribal Council! The three women enter, and Cirie decides to save time and just go ahead and sit in the jury area. Probst insists she sit in her spot (at least for the time being) so he can taunt them for a while.

Amanda, is this a tough decision? No, Jeff, not at all; Cirie's gone. Oops, I'm supposed to create drama; sorry. Yes, a VERY tough decision; I love both of these women, and it's the hardest decision of my life. Was that better? Cirie says she believes what Amanda is saying. The FIRST part, anyway. Perverti says she doesn't envy Amanda's position at all. Having to lie at Tribal Council is really hard. Meanwhile, Amanda has reverted to her "dog that just watched his master get gunned down in a drive-by shooting" look.

Amanda, why choose one lady over another? Well, Cirie talks good and Perverti looks good. Either way, I lose. Would it help if I cried right now? Half the jury is laughing; the other half is yawning. Before Amanda can break out into a full-blown tears-and-snot festival, Probst announces that it's time to kick Cirie out... er, it's time to vote.

Amanda votes, and Probst goes to tally. How long could THAT take? Eventually, he comes back with the vote. To absolutely no one's surprise, the vote is for Cirie. Cirie is snuffed, and we say good-bye to the best player of "Survivor: Micronesia." My family may never watch again!!!!

The sun actually rises on a relatively dry morning of Day 39, and Amanda and Perverti are engaged in one of their favorite "Survivor" chores: sleeping in late. No James making noise, no Cirie strategizing all night, and no Natalie secretly watching them when they go to the bathroom. It's just the two of them. Well, and that CAMERAMAN that keeps secretly watching them when they go to the bathroom...

As they eventually wake up, we are treated to incessant giggling and chirping about how they're the smartest ones there, the most strategic ones out there. Ismira threatens to turn off the HDTV, but little Azidi pleads with her not to. Perverti is her choice to win this game, and she might still have a chance!

Later that morning, after having gotten tired of hearing how good each other is, the women head into the woods to see if Probst has another surprise Immunity Challenge waiting for them. This time, however, it IS the picnic brunch they were expecting yesterday! There is fresh friut, vegetables, orange juice, and champagne! Forgetting the food, the girls quickly grab the champagne and orange juice age head down the path to drunkedness.

The rest of the day is spent much like the earlier part. We owned the game; we ruled the game; we shook our booties and made the guys forget how to play the game. It is a virtual repeat of the morning, except that the speech gets more and more slurred as the day wears on.

However, thoughts must eventually turn to tonight's final Tribal Council. Amanda tells us that although she likes Perverti, they played different games. Amanda played a loyal game of "Survivor," while Perverti was playing "Beach Blanket Bingo" with everything that had testosterone, including Natalie. She is hoping that the jury will like her better than Perverti, even though a good percenage of that jury is laced with testosterone.

Perverti, on the other hand, is just happy-go-lucky about the whole thing. She played the game in a way she can be proud of, she outwitted everyone else, and THIS time she didn't chop her thumb off with a machete! By, by the way, DIDN'T get her evacuated from the Cook Islands, either.

Perverti has played an aggressive, cutthroat game, and she hopes the jury will respect that. Amanda hopes the jury will HATE it. She knows Perverti is going to put up a strong argument tonight, but she is more than ready to counter it. She has been practicing puppy-dog eyes all day. Bring it on!!!

The last order of business is to torch what's left of the original shelter, built long before they realized there was a really cool cave just up the hill. As the little rickety shelter goes up in flames, the girls laugh and toast to the fact that the Micronesian Tourist Service will have one less "Survivor" tourist spot to make money off of after the production heads back to the States. Their last stand against eco-tourism finished, the pair hops into their canoe and paddles off to their last meeting with Jeff Probst.

Night falls fast (especially with stop-motion photography,) and soon the women are entering the torch-lit, camera-surrounded area for the last time. They quickly take their seats, and the now-full jury comes in ("now-full" because they just came from the CBS buffet.) Cirie has now joined them, grateful for the all-you-can-eat brisket and potatoes, but still wishing she was on the un-fed, un-washed side of Tribal Council.

Probst, in case any of the Fans or Favorites don't already know, explains how tonight's get-together is going to work. Each Survivor will have a chance to lie about how much integrity thay played the game with, how they really didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings, and how grateful they are to be hear. If you'd prefer, we'll just play recording of previous seasons, since they all sound the same anyway. Then each jury member will have the chance to finally say all those sarcastic comments, rude remarks, and catty comebacks they have been wanting to say at every Tribal Council. After each jury member has milked every last drop out of their 15 minutes of fame, we will vote. We used to let you make closing remarks, but really, the jury has already made up its mind and we need the extra time for a "Sprint" commercial. Speaking of which, use these neat phones to talk to the jury. Let's go!

Amanda starts off the BS-a-thon by saying she wanted to play a strong game, and a loyal game. Except that went out the window on Day One. Anyway, she would like to thank all the Survivors who helped her get where she is today. Helped by getting voted out BEFORE her, she means. Oh, and look at my big, brown eyes!

Perverti takes a different approach. I flirted my way to the end the first time I played, so I changed my strategy this time. This time, I flirted HARDER. I backstabbed all you losers, so ask me anything, and you'll get the truth. Unless I feel like lying.

Probst shakes his head to clear it, then announces that it is time for the unleashing of the pent-up frustration, anger, and sexual desires. Let the jury have its say! One by one, the members of the jury address the final two Survivors, and it goes something like this...

Eliza: No question, I just want to say Perverti insulted me and Amanda bored me. Would anyone like to see me roll my eyes one last time?

Jason: Amanda, would you have told Ozzy about the plan to vote him out. Perverti, is there ANYTHING about you that anybody likes? Amanda: Yes, I would have told him, because it made me sad. See my eyes? Perverti: I like chickens and my women's alliance, but other than that, I'm a heartless, backstabbing *$%#^. Deal with it!

Alexis: Perverti, why are you a good role model? Amanda, stop crying so darn much! Perverti: All girls should should be flirting, outspoken, heartless, backstabbing *^&% like me. Amanda: Your comments make me cry!

Natalie: Perverti, you're a flirt, and I have the hots for you. Amanda, you were a zombie, and that makes me pretty hot, too. Perverti: I'm a flirt, not a lesbo, deal with it. Amanda is still crying.

Eric: Now where did I put that necklace? Anyway, Amanda, you lied to me, you voted me out, you ripped me apart at Tribal Council, and I hate your guts. Can we go out for ice cream after this is over? And stop it with those eyes!! Amanda's reply is muffled by sobs and tears.

James: Perverti, can you ever tell the truth about why you voted Ozzy out? Perverti: You mean because I'm a flirting, outspoken, lying, backstabbing *^&#$, that truth? Or because I had to get rid of you both so I could be sitting here with puppy-dog face? Which one do you want? Bring it on, sucka! Perverti continues doing white-girl gangsta moves long after James has taken his seat.

Cirie: Amanda, Why am I not sitting next to you instead of lying, backstabbing *^&$% girl? Perverti, why should I be sitting in you spot instead of you? Amanda: Perverti played a stratyegic game, just like you. She was aggressive, just like you. Can I just make a sad face and say "I don't know?" Perverti: Your questions certainly have a theme, don't they? You SHOULDN'T be here! Amanda chose ME!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Ozzy: No questions, I just want to make a fool of myself. Perverti, how could you vote ME out? ME!! I though I was running things... er, I thought we had a friendship! You had the audacity to play "Survivor!" How low can you get? Deep breath... Amanda, I love you, and I'm gonna ask you to marry me like Rob did to Amber on the first "All-Stars" season. Isn't that neat?

Probst orders the sappy music shut off, then announces that that was thirty wasted minutes he'll never get back. It's time to vote, and yes, you have to vote for either Amanda or Perverti. No write-ins!! Ozzy and Amanda continue to make goo-goo eyes as the jury votes. We see Eric voting for Amanda, still hoping for that ice cream. Alexis votes for her role-model Perverti, assuming that Perverti will donate all the prize money to orphanages. Boy, she IS gullible!! Natalie votes for Perverti as well, adorning her parchment with hearts and kisses. Ozzy votes for Amanda, hoping she wins and will bear him lots of athletic, swimming children. Eliza has no idea who she is voting for, because she can't spell either name. After three hours, her vote is declared null and void.

Finally, Probst gets the voting urn. No fan of "Survivor" actually thinks he's going to open the votes then and there, so he simply thanks them and heads into the woods in the general direction of the David Letterman Studio in New York City. Moving faster than the speed of sound, he reaches the studio in fourteen seconds. Even so, the Survivors have beaten him there, and have even had time to shower, shave, gain thirty pounds each, get new haircuts, and shop for new clothes. These Americans certainly do things quickly!

Probst thanks the studio audience, then gets to reading the votes. Amanda. Screaming from the studio audience. Perverti. More screaming from the studio audience. Amanda. Amanda's home town screams. Perverti. Every guy Perverti has dated screams. The sound is overwhelming. Amanda. Ozzy's family screams. Perverti. By now, even little Azidi is screaming. It is a close race!

But as the last two votes are revealed, my family is stunned. The votes are for Perverti, and that means... no, it can't be... say it isn't true... Perverti has wom "Survivor: Micronesia!" Ismira has fainted, Yamiin has overturned three tables of roast lamb in her anger, and Hassim has gone outside to shoot more of Honest Omar's camels. Our world is rocked!! As Perverti runs to her family, friends, and accountants to celebrate, Azidi and Radul are reminding us that THEY get to be pampered for the next several months!

Eventually, Probst tells us that the next season of "Survivor" will take place in Gabon, on the West coast of Africa. Ismira, wake up and start "Google Earth," we have work to do! And as always, dear readers, we welcome any comments, reviews, or your impressions of the season. Also welcome are any suggestions of what Cousin Radul should attempt next year! See you in Africa!!!

Until next season, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades (and fake immunity idols) coming your way...

Trader of the Desert Sands