"Survivor: Micronesia " Episode 4:
"Crikey, Mikey!"
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Already, it is almost too much to bear! The bickering and backbiting; the accusations and browbeating! The exile, the crazy behavior, the tears and the tirades! Really, does Al-Jazeera have to cover Britney Spears' every move now, too? We would rather watch OUR favorite Americans bicker, backbite, and go gradually insane on "Survivor: Micronesia!" And lately, there has certainly been enough to satisfy my family's desire for all that! But not to worry... No matter how ugly. crazy, and rainy things get, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Radical Retailer of Ramadan, and all the family will be here to explain it all away as just a bad dream!
And speaking of bad dreams... My entire village has been in mourning all week. The festival of trained scorpions was cancelled, and the camels went without baths for five days. All because of (even now, it pains me to say it...) Yau Man was voted out of "Survivor" last week! How could this happen?
My family was in shock! Azidi, once she stopped listening to her music and found out, cried for two days straight. Ismira donned her black veil and began reading pamphlets about "jihad." Cousin Hassim was so angry that he took his AK-47, went into town, and shot three of Honest Omar's camels.
The women in my tent quickly organized a prayer vigil for poor little Yau Man. They passed out candles and stood around a campfire singing "Goodnight Sweetheart, Well It's Time To Go" until dawn with three hundred fellow mourners from neighboring villages. It was a touching moment, even if no one could sing in tune. Or in rhythm. Or using the right words. Oh, who are we kidding, it was pretty bad.
I, on the other hand, saw a huge window of opportunity. I increased the stock of Yau-Man t-shirts, hats, boxer shorts, and fake coconut Immunity idols in my shop. People from everywhere flocked in to purchase them! While they were there, I had the "Bring Yau-Man Back For All-Stars 3" petition ready and waiting. I charged each person 40 denarii to sign the petition, and now I have enough money for TWO tanks of gas!!
We finally put Yau-Man to rest with a mock funeral service in the desert on Wednesday. Azidi found a cardboard box, and we buried it in the sand to symbolize our final farewell. There were tears all around, especially from Radul, who officiated the ceremony dressed in a fuscia nun's habit. Now, we finally have closure. But still no fashion sense, apparently...
And speaking of Radul, it seems that our cousin has been acting rather strange the last few days. No, I mean even stranger than usual. Ever since we returned from our "vacation" on that South Pacific island, Radul has been moody, irrational, and out of sorts. No, I said even MORE than usual! Then after that unfortunate lightning strike last week, things really began to get out of hand.
Radul has been running around town, claiming to have seen glimpses of the future. On Monday, he bent all the spoons at the dinner table without even touching them! Yamiin swears she will make him buy us new silverware. One day, I caught him behind the town water well, floating three feet off the ground! He swears it was gas from Yamiin's "Mexican Night" buffet. Personally, I think his underwear is simply too tight.
We took poor Radul to three different doctors. One suggested a lobotomy, the other suggested intensive drug and shock therapy (he was cousin Hassim's friend), and one wanted to sprinkle him with onion and garlic powder. Yamiin said she could do that at home in her kitchen! Unfortunately, each time we left the doctor's office, Radul would sneeze, and the doctor's tent would burst into flames. Even Hassim is now scared of him! Radul is so worried he could cry, but his tears sizzle in the sand and beetles and scorpions turn to dust.
As of yet, we can find no cure for our cousin's strange ailments. Azidi wants to make him a costume from some old pajamas, and turn him into a super-hero. Radul was interested in the idea until he found out that the name "Wonder Woman" was already taken. But on the plus side, he completely fixed that nagging rattle in my car's engine simply by staring at it for ten minutes! Maybe we can open one of those "quick-lube" places...
For now, though, we are staying away from "SuperRadul." Allah only knows what trouble these new abilities will get him into! As this week's "Survivor" episode approaches, thoughts eventually turned to what our weekly wager would be. The men have decided that if our team wins the bet and a "Fan" is voted off this week, the women must perform their "wifely duties" three times as much this week! Woo hoo!!! Azidi asked exactly what a "wifely duty" was, and Yamiin quickly ushered her away from the discussion and gave all of us dirty looks. Radul, being single, has no interest in "wifely duties," but HAS learned to telepathically project the image of Rock Hudson into the middle of our tent. Now, THAT's creepy...
The women have decided that if THEY win and one of the "Favorites" is voted off, we must outfit the entire media tent with comfortable sofas, chairs, pillows, and the finest Persian rugs to be found in the world. They insist they are tired of watching "Survivor" each week sitting on those wooden benches and rusty steel barrels that Hassim found in that old abandoned tent. They want comfort!!! Cousim Hassim quips that we are essentially playing for the same thing, then... Hassim, this is family hour!!
Moving right along... Last week on "Survivor: Micronesia," The Favorites won the Reward Challenge but lost the Immunity Challenge after the Fans were energized by a cold, stormy, sleepless, tormented night. Yeah, we didn't understand it, either... Cirie decided to shove a fishing spear deep into Jonathon's back by switching to the allaince of Perverti, James, Ozzy, and Amanda. Cirie figured she was WAY hotter that Perverti and Amanda, and could lure the guys away. Actually, her logic was even crazier. To make a long story short, Yau Man was... even now, I cannot bring myself to say it! Will Jonathon exact revenge for Cirie's betrayal? Will Mikey B exact revenge for Joel's betrayal? Will Crazy Kathy exact revenge on Exile Island AGAIN? Radul is busy channel-surfing our HDTV by wiggling his ears; let's get started!!!
This week's episode opens not at the campfire after Yau-Man's departure with Jonathon beating Cirie to a pulp, but rather the next morning. As Day 9 dawns, Ami is having a counseling session with Cirie, trying to open "lines of communication" so that they can be "sisters" and "companions in life." Jonathon, meanwhile, is demonstrating with a coconut and a machete HIS preferred method of conflict resolution. Neither seems to be having an effect on Cirie, who is still pleased with herself at having voted out the "little gnome dude."
Jonathon tries his hand at this impromptu group therapy, but Cirie won't let him share. And we all know Cirie ALWAYS gets her way! Jonathon tells us that Cirie is much more manipulative than he is, and the tribe should be wary of her. I'm not sure if she is MORE manipulative, or if she is just BETTER at it than him right now. Ether way, Jonathon is not happy, and vows to get that "nappy coconut head" the next time she falls asleep.
After the "Survivor" theme music plays (during which Radul pours us all herbal tea without using his hands) we are brought to the triumphant Airai camp. They are extremely happy this morning; they did not have to go to Tribal Council last night, there was no overnight monsoon, and Chet did not insist on reciting the entire script for "Miss Congeniality." They are spending the morning discussing whether Yau-Man or Eliza got voted out, or if Jonathon gave Jeff Probst a giant wedgie and declared himself the winner.
Meanwhile, Ozzy 1.1 and Ozzy 1.2 (a.k.a. Jason and Eric) are amazed that an eel has sacrificed itself on their beach. They rush to grab it, chop it, and serve it on a bun with chili and cheese. They whoop and holler, but let's face it, Tom Westman they ain't. Long live Tom the Titan!
As the morning progresses, we learn more of the Fans' tribal dynamics. Natalie tells us that she lays low and works. That explains why none of my family know who she is! She also tells us that Chet lays low and DOESN'T work. This is apparentrly a sentiment that is shared by most of the tribe. It seems that Chet lays in the water, lays around the fire, and lays in the shelter singing, "We get up at 12 and start to work at 1... Take an hour for lunch and then at two we're done; jolly good fun!"
Mikey B, never at a loss for words, tells us that Chet is out of the game mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, politically, religiously, hypocritically, ethnically, morally, fundamentally, mechanically, electrically, psychologically, and pretentiously. If their team should lose Immunity, he will make sure Chet is out of the game bodily. All together now... "Foreshadowing..."
But Chet isn't the only one in Micronesia feeling poorly today. Across the water at the Malakal camp, Eliza is sprawled out on the beach with 132 degree fever. James feels her forehead, and still doesn't think she's as hot at Perverti. Eliza tells us that she has a little something wrong with her nose, eyes, glands, throat, lymph nodes, stomach, ears, intestines, and colon, but she'll be just fine.
Seeing Eliza lying on her deathbed, James and Ozzy agree that they should have voted her out instead of Yau-Man. By now, Yau-Man would have invented a little car and they could be driving up and down the beach cruising for chicks! Instead, they have half-baked, half-witted, half-dead Eliza to help them win challenges.
As Eliza lies nearby hollering "I'm not QUITE dead yet," and "I'm feeling better..." Ozzy and James begin planning her funeral. Ozzy wants a burial at sea; James thinks she should be barbequed and served with coconuts and potatoes. Eliza tries to convince them that she will do just fine in the next challenge, as long as she has four days to rest up for it. The men tell her, "don't be a baby; just die already!" And hurry up about it; James is hungry.
Privately, Eliza tells us that she hates all of them. Well, except Ozzy, who is still really hot. She hopes they all get sick and have to have that "Survivor" cocaine doctor come and amputate all their extremities. She will try to cough on them all day in hopes they will all catch South Pacific Denge Fever, or perhaps maybe mononucleosis.
Will Eliza be ready for the Reward Challenge? We'll see, because here it comes, zooming around a bend in the shoreline! In the lagoon today we see floating platforms (yawn), puzzle boards (yawn again), and a huge, underwater cage that looks like it could imprison all 17 Survivors! (okay, NOW you've got our attention!) The cage is filled with decapitated skulls... no, wait, those are just painted coconuts. We can dream, can't we?
The tribes arrive, and the Airai team gets their first look at the Yau-Man-less Malakal team. Gasps echo throughout the islands, tears flow, and the cameras must be stopped as Probst hands out tissues. When the sobfest is over, the cameras roll, and Probst gets on with matters. You will be playing for four chickens, chicken feed, some freshly-hatched eggs, and the chance to send Crazy Kathy to Exile Island once again. And Chet will sit this one out because he IS a chicken.
But enough puns and alliterations; on to the rules! Four team members will swim out to the cage and try to retrieve a coconut without drowning. Ozzy can't wait to get started. One at a time, place either the coconuts or your teammate's bloated body on a raft. When you have either ten lettered coconuts or four dead bodies, swim the raft back to shore. Take the lettered coconuts and spell either Probst's mother's maiden name or the Micronesian word for "People Who Get Laughed At Every Thursday Night On National Television." And no dictionaries allowed; GO!!!
And as the 29th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee gets underway, Ozzy proves to us once again (as if we needed proof) why he is every "Survivor" woman's dream date. Utilizing his built-in library of "Survivor" cheat codes, Ozzy dives into the lagoon and moves FOUR coconuts to the end of the cage. Jason and Mikey B each retrieve a single coconut for the Airai tribe before Ozzy comes up with his first.
But then the strategy pays off. Jonathon, Ami, and Perverti all come back with quick coconuts as Alexis is struggling to decide which shade of orange coconut she should try for. Wait, that was a grapefruit... Ozzy is down again, and before Probst can think of another insult involving the words "dolphin boy," four more coconuts are moved to the end of the cage.
Jonathon and Ami come back with two more, and Ozzy is out again to gather the last coconuts. The fans are trying to keep up, and Natalie comes up with THREE coconuts at once. Oops, sorry, two of those were covered with a bikini... No harm, no foul. But it is too little, too late. Before too much longer, the Favorites are swimming their raft to shore while Mikey B is trying to decide if that coconut is painted with a "W" or an "M."
As the fans begin to swim in circles (and Chet's not even out there!) the Favorites grab the coconuts and begin working. James, Eliza, Amanda, and Cirie begin arguing whether the word is "ProbstHottie," "BackstabbingCirie" or "Eliza'sAlmostDead." Eventually, James says "Triumphant?" thinking that was the name of that creature with the trunk and big floppy ears from the "Winnine the Pooh" stories. That was Micronesian, wasn't it? They spell out the word, Probst says "Close enough," and the Favorites have won the challenge!!
As expected, they choose Crazy Kathy for Exile Island duty; eventually, she HAS to die out there! Ozzy volunteers to go with her, to see if he can expedite matters. Or maybe he can score with an older, tall, thin, sanity-challenged chick. As the two new partners head off for some "couple time," Probst sends the winners off with their chickens and the losers off with nothing, including their dignity. Take that, masters of the game!
Idol Discovery" Goes To...
Back at the Airai Camp, which is Micronesian for "This Is Harder Than It Looks On TV," the Fans are licking their wounds. Primarily because there isn't any FOOD around. The women are all wishing they were Kathy, so they could spend the night with Ozzy. Chet would have volunteered, had he known!!
Eric tells us that the Favorites know Kathy is the weakest, and that's why they keep sending her to Exile. Ismira scoffs; she says the Favorites keep sending Kathy so only ONE player from the opposing team has a chance at the Immunity Idol! The hope that she will eventually go insane is just a "perk."
But Crazy Kathy hasn't gone insane just yet. She and Ozzy are setting up camp, and she is busy telling Ozzy how much she admires him, wants to be like him, yada, yada, yada. Ozzy must get away from Kathy just to stay sane, so he excuses himself for several hours to "go get clams." But WE know where he's really going...
Sure enough, while Kathy is telling us she's too tired, worn out, and pre-menstrual to go searching for the idol, Ozzy is busy island-hopping, rocketing from clue to clue. Within ten minutes, Ozzy has found the location of the Dharma Flame Station, the Andrea Doria, and seven of Osama bin Laden's top operatives. And, oh yes, the not-so-hidden "Micronesian Manny" Immunity idol, little cousin to Micronesian Marty!
As Kathy wanders up and down the beach looking for the nearest "Subway" sandwich shop, Ozzy devises a diabolical plan. Actually he stole it from Yau-Man, but at least he admits it. Using the machete, he quickly chops up a tree branch and whittles a little phallic symbol Immunity Idol that he names "Igor." Or maybe "Eeyore," we are not sure; Cousin Radul hiccupped and our HDTV signal was garbled for a few seconds. Quietly, he wraps the little "Suirvivor" sex toy in Manny's original wrapper and re-hides it in the same spot. His hope is that someone will find it and try to use it like Jaime did in China and become the laughingstock of the nation. Go Ozzy!!!
Check the "DVD Extras" section of "Survivor: Micronesia, Fans Vs. Favorites" for more information about Day 10...
Power Of Previous Participation
Day 11 dawns with the crowing of the newly-won rooster at the Malakal camp. As the sleepy Survivors awaken, they decide then and there that this chicken will be the first one to go. Bye-bye, birdie!!! James is busy sharpening the machete; at least there will be more meet on that rooster than on Eliza!
Eliza is no fool (okay, don't go there...) and realizes she may be the next one voted out should their team make the journey to Tribal Council tonight. James keeps looking at her and drooling! With this in mind, she quickly shifts into Plan B, "Sell out your former alliance members to prove you're trustworthy." And no, I don't think it will work, either.
Nevertheless, she spends the morning talking with Perverti, trying to convince her that she wasn't REALLY in an alliance with Jonathon, she just lied to him because he might have lied to somebody once in a "Survivor" game several seasons ago, so he's a total snake and can't be trusted. SHE, on the other hand, can be trusted until the end. She will never lie to you, unless your name is Jonathon. Pay no attention to my nose growing!
Perverti, of course can see right through this. She knows that Eliza is just trying to save her own skin by sacrificing Jonathon. She assures us that if they go to Tribal Council tonight, Eliza is toast. The very thought of toast makes James hungry again!
Does Eliza have anything to worry about? We'll see; nearby in a jungle clear-cut by ruthless, eco-unfriendly CBS executives is this week's Immunity Challenge. In this clearing, we see puzzle tables (AGAIN?) and two six-pronged torture devices just like those that Saddam Hussein used to use on the Kurds. Oh boy, let the bloodletting begin!!
The tribes arrive, and Ozzy and Crazy Kathy return from Exile Island. Kathy has a starry look in her eye and is smoking a cigarette. Probst asks Ozzy about the hunt for the idol, and Ozzy says it was a lot harder that he though it would be. It took me TEN minutes instead of FIVE, man! Jonathon is thinking, Jeez! First Yul, and now this guy?
Meanwhile, Probst is explaining the rules to today's lesson in humiliation. Six of you will strap yourselves into the sliding spikes of slavery. You will sift and sort through six hundred keys, settling on the single, special one to set you free. Soon, you will shuffle and slalom through the spruce and shrubbery, stealing six strands of shapes on strings. Shift and slip back to the solving surface, since the solution is soon to be seen. Select the sequence of shapes, showing some sharp scribbling skill. Surmise the surprise statement, and you will shout and scream, sending a sullen Survivor schemer to a sad sendoff. Now say it five times fast; GO!!!
Dizzy and confused, the contestants stumble onto the course. The Malakal tribe is working well, strapping themselves into the large apparatus. Perverti and Amanda realize this reminds them of that Spring Break back in '03. Ozzy grabs the keys and unlocks, then passes to James who unlocks, who passes to Perverti who unlocks, who passes to Ami who unlocks, who passes to Jonathon who unlocks, who passes to Amanda who unlocks. The Fans are saying, "Keys? What Keys?"
The Favorites are smoothly moving through the course, with Amanda, Ami, and Perverti expertly telling Jonathon, Ozzy, and James how to slide their poles just right to work into the tightest of places. Back and forth they go, moving quickly toward satisfaction. The Fans, meanwhile, have found the keys, but can't remember "Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey," and are having a difficult time getting their poles in motion.
As the Fans struggle, the Favorites are making the men in my tent proud as they quickly begin to grab the necklaces from the trees. Before long, all six have been recovered and they are heading for the puzzle table. Mikey B thinks he has found the key to Davey Jones' Chest. Finally, the Fans hit the course, but not before hitting Eliza, who wasn't planning on getting a hysterectomy for at least another forty years.
The Fans are grabbing a few necklaces, but the sliding apparatus keeps pulling Natalie's shorts down and the men are getting distracted. Eric and Jason are jumping up and down, pretending they're on a teeter-totter. Chet offers to string some ribbon and make a maypole. Crazy Kathy can't keep her eyes off Ozzy's shaft.
The Favorites have grabbed all six necklaces, and Cirie and Eliza are placing them on the puzzle wheel. Eliza sneezes on Cirie, hoping to infect her with E. Coli virus. Together, they spell out "Tribal Infection At Malakal," but that's not the answer. How about "Tactless Angry Jonathon?" Still nothing. "Ami Still Likes Girls?" Nope. "Yau-Man Would've Solved This By Now?" Nada. Zip. Finally, they spin three "Free Spins," barely avoid "Bankrupt" and spell out "Tribe Stays Intact." Probst declares them the winner, and calls for the "Survivor" paramedics to rescue the Airai tribe, who has somehow ended up tangled in the branches of a tall palm tree.
Micronesian Marty is ceremonially handed over to the triumphant (James has learned a new word!) Malakal tribe, and Probst sends them on their way. To the Fans, he will see them tonight at (huge, ominous drum roll...) Tribal Council!! Go back to camp, sharpen those backstabbing knives, and pack your suitcases!
As the UN-triumphant Airai tribe heads up the beach to Camp Gloom 'n Doom, decisions have to be made. Will they vote out Chet because he's weak? Or will they vote out Chet because he's lazy? Or maybe they could vote out Chet because nobody likes that earring he wears? Decisions, decisions, decisions...
Mikey B, however, is still harboring resentment toward Joel for the knife that even now is still sticking out of Mary's back over at Loser's Lodge. For the time being, though, he will pretend to be Joel's friend. He will talk with him, strategize with him, fetch his slippers and newspaper, and even clip his toenails. But watch out; after they vote off a few of the weaklings and crazies, he will slit Joel's throat. Ismira is already shaking her head; she says if Mikey waits any longer, he will be a dead man.
Nevertheless, the two men talk about who they should vote off. Joel wants Crazy Kathy out, not only because she is annoying, but because someone ELSE should get a shot at the Immunity Idol on Exile Island. Mikey B wants Chet out, because... well, because he wanted him out last time when Mary was backstabbed... Must control... fist... of... death...
Joel pretends that he likes Mikey B instead of wanting to slit his throat as well, and says he'll think about it. The two "buddies" pat each other on the back, secretly searching for a soft spot in which to plunge the next knife.
But over at the old folks' shelter, another plan is brewing. Even though Chet is only a shell of a man and Kathy's sanity level is dropping faster than the American stock market, Tracy realizes these are the only allies she has in this game. Tracy, you are in trouble!! As her tribemates are curled up in the fetal position, she tries to rally them to "take it to the next level", which in this case would be Level 1. They agree that they don't want to go home, but pizza and beer do sound really good about now.
Thinking quickly, Tracy decides she knows how to manipulate a man. Hey, she didn't get those boob implants for nothing! She and Chet confront Joel, who is wavering between voting off Kathy or Chet. Appealing to Joel's sense of decency, fair play, and testosterone, she accuses him of being bossed around by Mikey B, and doing whatever Mikey B says. Joel says "Nuh uh!" but we can all see in his eyes that he is hooked. The seed has been planted. Go Tracy!!
Tracy tells him that she, Chet, and Kathy will be voting for Mikey B tonight. That is, if Chet and Kathy have the strength to make it to the voting urn. If Joel can find one more vote, that will be five. She then has to explain to Joel that five is a majority. That means WE have more votes than THEY do. You see, Joel, FIVE is more than FOUR. Okay, there are nine people in the tribe, and if WE have five votes, the other guys can only have... oh, never mind, just threaten somebody with extreme physical abuse and convince them to vote with us, okay? Scratching his head and still counting on his fingers, Joel wanders off into the jungle.
Will Joel comprehend the complex mathematical equations? Will someone else switch to their side? Or will Chet take the long pageant runway of shame? We'll see; it's time for the weekly visit to Survivor's own "City By The Bay," Tribal Council! The Airai tribe pulls up to the dock, disembarks, carries Chet in on a stretcher, and takes their seats.
Probst dives right in. So, are the two tribes even? Jason says not really, we have Chet. How important is strength to your tribe? Joel says when you have Chet on your team, you're weak. Has anyone really stunk at Challenges? I mean, OTHER than Chet? Mikey B and Jason think Chet makes them lose, but Tracy points out that she, Kathy, and Chet didn't play in the last two challenges, and Mikey B and Jason DID. Who sucks NOW, buddy?
Well, maybe strength isn't everything. Joel says just because he's the strongest doesn't mean he's good in all the challenges. Especially those involving ballet. Maybe we should KEEP Chet. Eric says that there are different kinds of strength. Physical, mental, body odor, you name it. Or maybe we should all smash our heads into a brick wall. Maybe that would help.
Before Eric can explain THAT particular metaphor any further, Probst announces it's time to vote. Jason says wait; please think about what you're doing, people, vote the right way! Okay, NOW it's time to vote... Jason says think about the ozone layer! Vote the right way! Can we vote already? Jason says WAIT!! I'm begging you people; there are starving children in China! No, we are GOING TO VOTE!!! Jason says please hear me; the very fabric of the space-time continuum and the existence of the entire universe depends on this vote!!! Eventually, Probst calls for the CBS producers, who subdue Jason in a straight jacket so the tribe can finally cast their ballots.
We see Jason voting for Chet, desperately trying to save the planet in the process. Chet votes for Mikey B, saying he's a loudmouth who never learns. And that T-shirt is just "tres tacky." Mikey B votes for Chet, assured that Joel and the rest are securely behind him. And they say ignorance is bliss...
Probst tallies the votes, and the result is a shocker! For Mikey B, anyway. Chet gets three votes, but the rest are for Mikey! Stunned, but knowing at least he'll see Mary again, Mikey B allows Probst to snuff his torch. Without a single word, he heads down the dock and into the Survivor Hall of Shame. Ismira warned you, Mikey! Probst tells the tribe he hopes they made the right decision, but he doesn't think so. There are no ballet challenges scheduled this season! Now, head back to your suffering!
Next week, we see the tribes dropping their buffs (always good for a few jokes) and switching teams. Oh boy, a swap 'em up! Then, things get even better with a grueling challenge, multiple injuries, needles, and delicious talk of possible amputations. We can hardly wait! Oh, and Ismira, about those "wifely duties..."
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Trader of the Desert Sands
