"Survivor: Micronesia " Episode 3:
"How Now, Down Yau?"
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
It is always good to watch a clash of two powerhouse teams! We love the excitement, the thrill of wondering each week which team will lose a player, until one team comes out on top! We cheer as each team gives it their all, and we laugh at the losers. And yes, while "Dance Wars: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann" is over, we still have our MOST favorite obsession, "Survivor: Micronesia!" No dancing here, unless there's another lame dance-off challenge like in Fiji... But even if there is, you can count on yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Capital Gains King of Crete, and family to help you through every samba, cha-cha, and tango!! Radul, put away the tutu...
This has been a week filled with wonderful things. For the first time in a long while, I have seen one of my favorite sights in the entire world. No, not Ismira's new outfit from "Frederick's of Harambe." Something even more near and dear to my Middle Eastern heart... Cash flow!!! Yes, friends, Honest Achmed is back in business!
Last week, my cousin Radul finally finished re-assembling our satellite dish on the outskirts of town. It only took him four days! Well, it would have taken just three, but there was that terrible thunderstorm, and Radul was working too high in the air, and... Well, we found Radul wandering the nearby desert, with his hair looking like that guy from the "Mod Squad" and muttering incoherent phrases about Ben Franklin and kites. We doused him in hot goat's milk overnight, and the next day he was back to work.
Once the dish was operational, people from four neighboring villages were lined up outside my tent to sign up for "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View!" Soon, the denarii were flowing like the river Nile, despite the fact that the village elders almost shut us down when they discovered Radul had secretly tapped into the "Skinamax" cable channel and was bundling it with "Survivor." Once I removed it, we were back in business, although four village elders mysteriously dropped their subscriptions the next day.
With the new cash, I was also able to re-stock and re-open my "Survivor" shop in town. Honest Omar will never know what hit him! With my little entrepreneurial daughter Azidi by my side, we restocked the shelves with such wonders as "I Love The Yau-Man" T-shirts, "Run, Ozzy, Run" camel stickers, and a complete line of "Crazy Kathy" mood-altering substances. A surprise favorite is our newest action figure, "Joel the Giant." Wind him up, and he secretly votes off your girlfriend! Disappointing, though, have been the sales of the revived "Ami Dartboards," primarily because Ami has not done much this season yet. I am waiting patiently, however, and I know Ami will not let us down.
My family also rejoiced this week at the arrival of the weekly FezEx truck. Inside was our brand-new HDTV!! The ladies in our tent lost our bet last week, and as a result this new beauty of technology is now set up in our media tent. The black-and-white television went back to Moroccan Robin's, and this week, "Survivor" will be back in its full-color, high-definition, backstabbing glory! This new television has so many 
features, I cannot begin to describe them. The instruction manual alone is 1500 pages! It is written in French, German, Greek, Japanese, Chinese, Brazilian, Turkish, Indian, Mongolian, Pakastani, and seventeen African Swahili dialects. We can't read any of it!! I guess we'll just have to play with the HDTV as the weeks go by, and we'll see what we get...
As a free gift for purchasing the new television, the mail-order company sent us a strange little device. About the size of a pack of cigarettes, it plays music and shows tiny videos. Azidi says it is called an "Eye-Pod." My wife Yamiin thinks it is of the devil, the way it magically holds so much music and so many pictures, and makes a holy sign over herself whenever it is brought into the tent. Azidi plugs the thing into her head and begins dancing around the tent to the strange sounds of "Boys Like Girls" and "My Chemical Romance." I am not sure if these are bands or warning labels!
Radul got his hands on the little box one day, and soon it was filled with Bette Midler and Judy Garland movies. While Radul was watching misty-eyed, Hassim whalloped him over the head and took the device, searching to see if any real "eyes" were in the "pod." Once he realized it was NOT a new-fangled CIA torture device, he gave it back to Radul. Radul continued to watch, but Hassim had replaced all Radul's movies with a Bruce Willis "Die Hard" anthology. Radul says he is now scarred for life!!
Apparently, the little thingy has some sort of narcotic programmed into it, because it has become so addictive that my family is fighting over it constantly! Except Yamiin, of course, who wants it out of the tent as soon as possible. We have decided that this week, our friendly "wager" will be over the PodEye. Whatever... If a Survivor Fan is voted out this week, the men will win the doohickey, and Radul and Hassim will take turns watching Shirley Temple and Vin Deisel. In the unlikely event that a Survivor Favorite is voted out this week, the women can have it, and Azidi will fill it with music by the "Naked Jonas Brothers Band," or some such thing. Dear Allah, please do not let word of this reach the village elders...
Last week on "Survivor: Micronesia," the Favorites tribe of Malakal began to pull into the lead as their camp came together. The Fans tribe was divided, fireless, shelterless and clueless. The Favorites won the Immunity Challenge when Chet decided to re-enact a Busby Berkely musical instead of diving underwater for his key. But instead of voting off Mr. Broadway, Joel the Giant convinced the team to vote out Mikey B's girlfriend Mary, because Mikey was thinking too much. Can't have that! Will the Favorites hold together or splinter into alliances? Will the Fans recover from blindsiding, betrayal, and synchronized swimming? Will Mikey B continue to impersonate pop music icons? Even now, our new HDTV is barking at us in Mandarin Chinese, telling us to sit down and shut up; let's get started!!!
As we were hoping, tonight's episode opens in Nightvision, as the Airai tribe returns from their "de-Mary-ing" ceremony. Mikey B, in particular, is staggering into camp, still reeling from the blindsiding he took at Tribal Council. He immediately has a "talk" with Joel, fully intending to duke it out right there, but one look at Joel's biceps and he thinks otherwise. Instead, he tells Joel that he's cool with the vote, just please don't hurt me.
Privately, though, Mikey B is NOT happy. He still thinks that one of the old fogies should have gone home. Particularly, the old GAY fogey. He thinks that Joel has hurt the strength of the tribe, especially if the next challenge involves measuring bust sizes.
Joel tells us that Mikey B is about to get a baseball hat upside his head. Cousin Hassim is getting excited! Unfortunately, Joel was only speaking figuratively. We can always hope... He says Mikey still doesn't realize that he doesn't control the tribe. If Mikey really DOES think that he controls anything, he's crazier than Crazy Kathy! On this tribe, it definitely looks likes the struggle for Alpha Dog Number One Head Honcho Big Cheese Leader Of The Pack is ON!! This should be fun to watch!
That same night on the other island, things are less confrontational, but no less sneaky. As the older tribe members are off doing that crazy thing called sleeping, the Orgy Alliance heads down to the beach for a fire and who-knows-what-else. They invite Eliza, because she was the one thay wanted to vote off last time, or maybe they are hoping she'll get naked for some chocolate and peanut butter. Except they don't tell HER that. Instead, they want to explain to her that they don't really want to vote her off first, they want to vote Yau-Man, because he's Asian. Or Maybe Cirie, because she's black. Or maybe Jonathon, because he's Jewish. But not you, Eliza, because you're Anglo-European-American-Whitebread. Want some chocolate? Eliza, for the first time in her life, simply shuts up and listens.
Eliza excuses herself before the orgy can begin in ernest, and reports back to Jonathon, Ami, and the rest. They don't see how the other alliance stands a chance, because THEIR alliance has five members, and that's more than four, right? Unless... Cirie, you ARE still in our alliance, aren't you? Cirie, half asleep, mutters something about "hell freezing over, Jonathon, you rat," and drifts off again. They mistake this for full agreement, so everything is good.
Privately, Cirie tells us that she still hasn't decided which alliance to side with yet. She is waiting to see which side will kiss her butt longer and more effectively. She wants to see who she can trust the most, or at least who can lie to her face more convincingly. She says that if she trusts you, she's cool. If she DOESN'T trust you, she will lie so much they'll wish Johnny Fairplay was still in the game. Ismira is shaking her head. I agree with Ismira; Cirie got further in her game last time by being friendly, not lying. I do not think this is a good strategy for Cirie. Maybe her grandmother will die, too!
Days 7 dawns with the promise of rewards, challenges, and possible bloodshed. The Airai tribe starts the day by reading their treemail. The cryptic poem talks about tackling, beating, screaming, and lots of makeup. Sounds like Radul's tent on Friday nights! There is also this year's "Survivor Wish Book" catalog, from which they can choose three (count 'em, THREE!) items for a reward should they emerge from the upcoming challenge alive and mostly intact. As Natalie and Alexis show off the book like Drew Carey's "Price Is Right" models, the tribe sets about making their decisions.
At the Malakal camp, the Wish Book is met with much rejoicing. Jonathon likes the shelter supplies. Eliza likes the blankets and pillows. Ozzy and James want to know if there is a page featuring condoms and penicillin.
As they decide, the two tribes break open the supplied warpaint and the makeovers begin. The Airai tribe is going for the "Brazilian Voodoo" theming, with skulls, geishas, lion heads, and the ever-popular "Keith Richards" look. The Malakal tribe takes a different approach. They have gone for the traditional "paint a few stripes like the lazy bums we are" look, although Jonathon and Ozzy have dolled their faces up and are showing off their lizard tounges like members of the rock band "KISS."
Today, the Reward Challenge looks like a miniature soccer field set up in the lagoon of yet another island. As the tribes arrive, they are chanting their hastily-penned war cries. Airai is shouting a chant developed by Chet, although the "Air Supply Medley" hardly seems appropriate for this type of challenge. Malakal, on the other hand, is shouting "Ozzy, Ozzy, he's our man; If he can't do it, then Amanda will sleep with someone else tonight!" Okay, so rhyming isn't their strong suit...
Probst welcomes the tribes, and quickly explains today's rules. There are none. My family cheers! Well, maybe a couple. Boo... Each team will have three potato sacks filled with stinky cheese. Get FIVE total sacks to your end zone, and you win. Kicking, biting, tackling, hair-pulling, sucker-punching, groin-kicking, and burying the opposing players in sand are all allowed and strongly encouraged. My family is back to cheering! Let the mayhem begin!!!
And it certainly does. From the moment Probst shouts the obligatory "Go!" the Survivors are playing for blood. Well, for Reward, actually, but you get the point... As Probst calls up some rain to make the game even more interesting, one of the most violent games we have ever witnessed is taking place! Joel and James immediately begin knocking each other around, Yau-Man is stealing bags and winding his way through arms and legs like a bamboo jungle. Jonathon, ever the chivalrous one, tackles the ladies and smashes their faces into the water. Eric grabs a bag, and runs toward his end zone as Eliza tries to strip him naked. Don't look, Azidi!! Eric smacks her in the head with the potato sack, and Eliza falls over unconscious. Eliza is certainly taking a beating this season! Heh, heh, heh...
Bags are passing back and forth between sides of the field, with no clear advantage going to either team. After Eric tosses Amanda onto a pile with the unconscious Eliza, James angrily joins the fight. He coldcocks Eric, then drags Eric, Jason, Chet, Tracy, Alexis, Kathy, Natalie, and the potato sack back across his goal line. Amanda jiggles her boobs in front of the recently-single Mikey B, and he is distracted and loses his bag. The Favorites now have four!
The Malakal tribe members hold back with their four bags as Jonathon, Ami, and Ozzy triple-team Eric (that'll teach him for smacking Eliza!) Even with Chet's awesome strength helping him, Eric cannot hold off this assault. Jonathon's shorts fall down, and Eric is temporarily blinded! Jonathon streaks back to the goal line, and this feast of flesh and tear-away swimsuits is over! Azidi, you can open your eyes, now...
Probst congratulates the winners, and presents them with shelter supplies, lighting supplies, and survival supplies. Sorry, we were all out of condoms. As a consolation prize, however, the Fans get... NOTHING!! Probst is enjoying this WAY too much. The Favorites decide to send Crazy Kathy back to Exile Island, in the hopes that she will either find the idol and screw up her tribe's voting order, or she will fall off that tall tower and provide excellent camera footage for the February sweeps. Ami decides to accompany her, vowing to assist with the "falling" part. If nothing else, maybe she will make a pass at Kathy, and that will make for good ratings as well. Wrong island, Ami...
At the victorious Malakal camp that afternoon, the Survivors are recounting the events of the challenge, and tallying up the scores on how many Fans made sexual advances toward them. Ozzy is in the lead with 13, folowed by Amanda and Eliza with 7 (five of those were from Mikey B) and Perverti and James with 4 each (but those were from each other, so they don't count.) Jonathon has minus 3, because three people got sick to their stomachs when his shorts got pulled down at the end of the challenge.
But as the revelry drones on into the afternoon, there is one Survivor who is not feeling joyous. Cirie is not nearly as cheerful today as her tribemates. Not only did she not receive a SINGLE lewd comment at the challenge, she still can't decide which alliance to side with. So far, no one has tried to buy her vote with food, a backrub, or even a mani-pedi. What is wrong with these people, anyway? Don't they know she is the swing vote? Hello, people!!! Even wearing that sign that reads "Will Vote With You For Food" hasn't seemed to help.
Eventually, though, Amanda and Perverti begin to realize that Cirie isn't aligned with Jonathon's group as much as they think she is. That sign Ami made that says "No One From Season 12 Allowed" was a dead giveaway! They quickly take Cirie out into the lagoon, where the water is really deep. Knowing Cirie is black, and thus can't swim and is terrified of the water, she is a captive audience while they weave their diabolical spell.
As Jonathon, Eliza, and Yau-Man watch helplessly from the shore, Cirie, Amanda, and Perverti discuss the possibility of being the Final Three. Perverti claims that Ozzy and James are just two dumb tagalongs who the women will dump when the time is right. Cirie appears to swallow this logic in full, showing us just who REALLY is the dumb tagalong. They didn't even pinky-swear! Ismira chimes in to say that Cirie is really better off in this alliance, but not for the reasons she thinks. If the girls DON'T drop the boys, Cirie will be the singleton between two tight duos, who will each want her vote at the Final Five, thus assuring Cirie a spot in the Final three, where she can easily beat any of the "lovebirds. Ismira, be quiet; it looks like they are about to throw Cirie overboard!
Meanwhile, Jonathon and Eliza are worrying, and rightfully so. They decide that when Cirie returns, Jonathon will have a little "talk" with her. He will reassure her that being fifth in their alliance is WAY better than being fifth in Perverti's alliance. And if that perfect logic doesn't work, Jonathon may have to resort to dropping his pants again. Allah, please spare us...
Thankfully, we are brought to Exile Island, where Crazy Kathy is about to endure another ping-pong tour of the islets and lagoons. Exhausted, she rests while Ami scurries around looking for clues. Ami, however, gets stumped by the clue that says "Go back to the start." Ami is certain this refers to the game of Monopoly, and spends the entire looking for a tree marked "Chance" or "Community Chest." Kathy is simply too tired to argue. As the water turns choppy and the weather turns ugly, the women decide to cease clue-searching for the day. As they settle in for the night, we hear Ami saying, "No, wait, maybe Parcheesi... Or Trouble..."
(No, It Really Was!)
That night, stormy weather has indeed moved in across the islands of Micronesia. Tonight's rain makes all the other rainy nights look like mere drizzles! As we watch the misery in glorious high-definition, we are amazed at just how clearly we can see the lines of angst, worry, and abject terror on the faces of the Airai tribe. Their shelters, while not falling down, are about as waterproof as Ismira's lace underwear! The rain is pouring in unimpeded, and the tribe members are huddled together shivering.
Even the manly-men, Joel and Mikey B, are moaning and whining about how miserable they are. Miket B is wishing for Mary again, but unfortunately it has nothing to do with the rain. If only the producers had provided them with a nice, huge, dry cave to sleep in, things would seem better. But what are the odds of THAT?
As luck would have, we are next brought to the Malakal camp, where our Survivor Favorites are sleeping under their newly-won tarp, while nestled in... a nice, huge, dry cave that the producers supplied. I am wondering why they built a shelter in the first place! They are dry, cozy, and snuggly (aaawwww!!!) and are wondering how the poor, unfortunate Fans are faring. Ozzy, especially, seems to feel genuine empathy and compassion for the other tribe. No wait, he's just practicing his "I really care" expressions for his Final Three speech.
Back at the Fans' camp... yep, still rain, pain, and strain. Jason has found a cave of his own, but it is only large enough for one person. Well, one person, fourteen scorpions, and three hundred spiders. Jason tells us he is terrified of being bitten to death while he sleeps, but on the bright side, maybe he'll wake up with superpowers and be able to really kick butt tomorrow!
The next morning, the rain has finally ceased (at least temporarily), and we can take a look at what is left of the tsunami-ravaged beach. Big Joel has been washed ashore and is lying zombie-like in the tribe's canoe. The rest of the tribe staggers into view, looking like holocaust survivors. They all agree, this was their worst night ever. At least until tomorrow... No one has slept, everyone is freezing cold, but worst of all, Alexis' hands are pruny and wrinkled! Quick, call the medics! Medical emergency!! Send a chopper!
But none arrives, and the Airai tribe must pull itself together. Light that wet wood, fix that leaky shelter, Botox that wrinkled skin! After all, after the roughest night in "Survivor" history, what comes next but... an Immunity Challenge! The Fans know they must win today, but they are tired, demoralized, and have been beat up by the Favorites, the weather, James, Jeff Probst, Mark Burnett, and the set gaffer! How can they possibly pull this out?
We'll see. Today's Immunity Challenge has already been set up by producers in raincoats and umbrellas. As the players arrive, we see two large hanging nets. Cousin Hassim swears he has been reading spoilers, and that the Survivors get to stuff each other into those nets and crush their opponents to death. He insists that those two piles of coconuts are to hit each other in the head with.
Hassim needs to check his spoiler sources!! Probst takes back the Immunity Idol from Amanda, who was trying to hide it beneath her blur, and explains the rules. They are NOTHING at all like what Hassim described! Four members of each tribe will hold ropes connected to the nets. The rest of the tribe members will play basketball, shooting hoops and dunking coconuts to make the nets heavier. No, Ozzy, no three-point shots. No, Jason, no foul shots. And no, Eric, no zone defense allowed! Geez, can we just get on with this? The team that lets go of the ropes first loses. Simple enough? Actually, Hassim's rules were far more interesting... GO!!!
For the fans, Joel, Eric, Tracy, and Natalie are holding the ropes. For the favorites, it will be James, Jonathon, Perverti, and Cirie. How did we know James and Joel would be in these positions? The rest of the tribes all grab their nuts, and the game is on! Coconuts are flying everywhere. Everywhere, that is, except the nets. Probst ducks, and two cameramen hit the ground.
Eventually, the players begin getting the hang of basketnut, and the Airai tribe begins sinking some hits in Malakal's net. Malakal cannot score a single coconut until Yau Man correctly calculates the wind speed, trajectory, and gravitational flux at this latitude, and makes his tribe's first basket. Jonathon, from his place at the rope, is doing his best to distract the other team by referring to them as "Squirrel Boy," "Pageant Queen," and "Crazy Broad Who's Gonna Go To Exile Island Until She Goes Nuts And Tries To Kill Herself With A Machete." It doesn't work, and the fans continue to pile up coconuts in the favorites' net. Eventually, Jonathon runs out of insults, and "Hey, You!" just doesn't cut it. Meanwhile, the wrinkled skin on the hands of the fans is allowing them to grip the ropes and hold on with ease. Who' da thought?
Although the Malakal tribe tries to keep up, they are simply no match for the tired, cold, wet, demoralized, pruny-skinned Airai tribe. Pageant Queen sinks one last coconut, gives Jonathon the finger, and the weight is too much! The ropes slip, and Airai wins Immunity!! Azidi squeals, grabs the PodEye, and scurries out of the tent. We do not see her for the rest of the evening.
Probst congratulates the winners, handing them "Micronesian Marty," the wooden idol, and they scream, jump up and down, and head off back to Camp Disaster. To the favorites, Probst will see them tonight at Tribal Council, and this time, there's no Fairplay to pick off as an easy vote! Take that, suckas!!
For Their Britches
By the time the Malakal tribe hits their beach, battle lines have been firmly drawn. Jonathon and Yau Man are sticking with the plan: vote off Perverti because she absolutely refuses to snuggle with either of them at night. They only have each other, and that's getting a little too creepy after all these days. With their alliance of five, this should be a slam dunk.
Unfortunately, it is as much of a slam dunk as those coconuts were earlier today. Even now, Cirie is flaunting her new-found power, insisting to Perverti and Amanda that Yau-Man be the one voted out tonight. She is worried because if Yau-Man ever gets to go to Exile Island, not only will he find the Immunity Idol, he will stop global warming, solve the DaVinci Code, and discover what REALLY happened to Oceanic Flight 815. He is a much bigger threat than Eliza, who thinks the DaVinci Code is an automatic teller PIN number.
The original foursome is against this; Yau-Man is MUCH less annoying than Eliza, and he can actually HELP them win challenges, and not just walk around getting his head smashed like Eliza does all the time. Cirie, however, is holding firm; it's either Yau-Man, or she's voting for Shane and his imaginary Blackberry. This is NOT the Cirie we know and (used to) love from Exile Island!
Jonathon, seeing his alliance crumbling before his eyes, tries browbeating... er, talking to Cirie. He tries to convince her that their alliance is a tight five, she is definitely NOT number 5 on the totem pole, and that he and Yau-Man do NOT have a homo-erotic relationship. And neither do he and Ami. Despite Jonathon's best efforts, however, Cirie is not convinced, and wanders off into the woods to get away from all the logic.
Cirie's antics have thrown the entire camp voting strategy into turmoil. Ozzy still wants to vote for Eliza. Perverti wants to vote Yau-Man because Cirie is making her. Jonathon might vote for Eliza, and might vote for Yau-Man. He might even vote for himself if it would help! James wants to hold Cirie's head under water until her vote won't matter any more. Jonathon thinks four out of nine votes may be enough to win if the other votes are split. Hey, it worked for Clinton back in '92!
How the vote will go down is anybody's guess as the tribe heads across the water to Tribal Council. But before the inevitable vote, Probst must stir the churning waters of deceit, discouragement, and discontent. Jonathon, how did it feel to lose, you loser, when you lost to the fans? Jonathon must be restrained before he lunges at Probst. James, do the fans still suck? Kind of, but not as much as Cirie, who's being a real pain in the butt today.
So what's giong on in the tribe? Yau Man says we need to win more. Duh!!! Jonathon says some people are thinking of the good of the tribe, but Cirie is being a real pain in the butt today. Cirie says because my moves don't benefit your moves and my plans don't benefit the tribe, it doesn't mean that I am moving in such a way that your moves are not important to the tribe but my moves will be for both me and the tribe despite what your moves are doing to my moves and my plans when they meet with yours. And yes, I AM being a pain in the butt today. Talk to the hand, cracker-boy!
Jonathon is upset that Cirie believes Perverti's lies instead of HIS lies. Cirie says I'm not telling everyone how to vote. I just insisted, stomped my feet, and held my breath until they agreed to do things my way. Jonathon just hopes that everyone votes their conscience, because then his split-the-vote plan will work. Perverti hopes she doesn't get voted out because then she can continue not-flirting with James and not-controlling his vote until she's ready to not-dump him. But I'm playing a completely different game this time, Jeff!
Probst's head is spinning, so he announces it's time to vote. Jonathon votes for Perverti, trying his best to follow the plan. Cirie votes for Yau-Man, saying she's voting for him because Jonathon's the biggest liar in the game. Oooookaaaaay.... Ismira, will you explain that one when the show is over?
Probst pops a Dramamine, tallies the votes, and sadly, it is not a huge surprise. Cirie has managed to browbeat her alliance members into submission, and they have all voted for Yau-Man! The vote is 6 for Yau-Man, 2 for Perverti, and 1 lone vote for Cirie. Where did THAT one come from? Ismira and Yamiin are both calling Cirie unspeakable names as poor Yau-Man rises and watches his torch get snuffed. My entire family is crying as our favorite Favorite heads into the darkness. We will never forget you, Yau-Man!
Probst, as shocked as anyone, reminds the group of the obvious: they are a divided tribe. The Fans are gonna eat you for lunch! And they're just hungry enough to... Head out! And get Honest Achmed a box of tissues!
Next week, Cirie and Jonathon are STILL fighting about Cirie's backstabbing. Or maybe it is recycled footage from this week... And at the Airai camp, tensions are mounting between Joel the Giant and Mikey B. It looks like smackdown time!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Trader of the Desert Sands
