"Survivor: Micronesia " Episode 2:
"Mary, Did You Know?"
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
It is indeed wonderful to have something to look forward to! New television shows in our tent each and every week; no more having to watch Azidi's puppet shows or Radul's attempts at Chzekoslovokian karaoke! Finally, something supremely entertaining that we actually WANT to watch! Yes, yes; the writers' strike is ending, we know, but who cares? We are referring to "Survivor: Micronesia," the most entertaining show to play on our television since "Wheel Of Torture" was taken off the air! And as always, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Cairo Cost-Cutter, and all the extended family will be with you to inform, educate, and entertain (although not necessarily in that order!)
This has been a week of highs and lows around my tent. First, the bad news: After Johnny Foulball was voted out last episode, the men of my family lost our bet with the women and had to do all the cooking for the entire week! And to make matters worse, my wife Yamiin hid away all of her cookbooks and insisted that we fend for ourselves!
To say the week was a disaster would be putting it mildly. I immediately suggested we call Moroccan Robin's Eatery and order a complete week's worth of food. I even offered to pay for it, but Hassim and Radul insisted that it would be cheating. Since when have scruples been a part of this family? Against my better judgment, we eventually agreed to get down to business.
I proposed that we keep things simple, such as plain "lamb and rice." Radul just wanted to make sure each plate was decorated with parsley, cinnamon, and chocolate sprinkles. Then, I caught Hassim trying to add Hummus root to a pot of stew; he claimed it would make the women more amenable to "performing their wifely duties." Needless to say, before the week was over, there were numerous food fights, scalded fingers and toes, and several inedible versions of goat, lamb, and chicken. People from two neighboring villages complained that the smells and smoke from my tent were making them sick!
It was a certainly a learning experience. We learned that "3 hours at 550 degrees" does not work for ANYTHING, chocolate sauce and habanero peppers are not good for the digestive tract, and that no matter how much parsley, cinammon, and sprinkles you put on a plate, a charred, aphrodisiac-laced hunk of scorpion is STILL not a tasty treat!
Fortunately, that misery is behind us. The GOOD news is that we have recovered the pieces of our satellite dish! Once Radul finishes assembling them, television reception will be greatly improved. Which is just as well; lately, the reception on Ismira's hacked phone keeps getting interrupted by a male voice asking for someone named "Naomi."
It went down like this: Since many people in our village still have not realized we are back (and still think we are dead,) I took the opportunity to do a little private snooping. Re-assembling my trusty "Chinese Sailor" disguise, I paid a discreet visit to Honest Omar's shop in town. Among his tacky displays of worn-out "Survivor" merchandise, I happened upon a small notice announcing Omar's soon-to-be-starting "Survivor Pay-per-view" service. This could only mean one thing!
That night, Cousin Hassim and Vishaz volunteered to break into Omar's warehouse near the village sewage pond. Sure enough, inside they found the disassembled pieces of OUR satellite dish, as well as MY sand rover! They quickly loaded up a trailer, fired up my rover, and a small bit of retribution was gained. An even larger bit of retribution was gained when Vishaz took a few extra moments to re-route the overflow from the sewage pond into Omar's warehouse. I can see why Hassim loves this woman! The next day, Omar announced that his "Pay-per-view" service was on hold until further notice, and that his shop would be closed for two weeks due to "inventory re-stocking." The game is on!
And speaking of the game, the women in my tent have spent this past week trying to figure out what they want if they win our weekly bet. They CERTAINLY do not want us cooking again! Azidi wanted "Hannah Montana" tickets (which even I cannot get!), and Ismira wanted a new laptop. Yamiin wanted a new set of Calphalon cookware, and Vishaz was wishing for a combination garterbelt/gun holster. Eventually, they settled on new carpeting for our entire tent complex if one of the Survivor "Favorites" is voted off again. It must be stain-resistant, in a neutral color, not crush easily, be of top-quality nylon, and definitely NOT shag. I think getting "Hannah Montana" tickets might be easier!
As for the men, the decision was easy. Especially with the imminent return of our satellite dish, we want our HDTV! It has to be at least 72 inches in size, have picture-in-picture, multiple audio streams, and our favorite feature, "thought bubbles" (always good to turn on during Tribal Council scenes!) Maybe this week, we will get our wish!!
Last week on "Survivor: Micronesia," we were introduced to our ten returning Favorites and our ten obsessed Fans. The Fans' passion for the game won out over the Favorites' supposed experience, and the Favorites were sent to Tribal Council. There, they voted out Johnny Fairplay, who went from being the nastiest player ever to being the wimpiest player ever. Booooooo...... What surprises are in store this week? Will the fans continue to dominate? Will the favorites continue to talk about "well, the LAST time I did this..."? Will Perverti, James, Amanda, and Ozzy continue to make those disgusting slurpy sounds? The women are getting sick to their stomachs as Radul brings in a platter of broiled beetle larvae with chocolate and habanero peppers; let's get started!!!
It is nighttime at the Malakal camp, and the Favorites tribe is returning home after an early Christmas. Fairplay is gone! The familiar black-and-white of "Survivor Nightvision" has returned, as well. Or, at least we THINK it has; with our little black-and-white TV, it is impossible to tell! Ozzy is bringing back the scalp of Fairplay as a trophy... no, wait, that is a fish he caught by sticking his hand in the water on the boat ride home. Let's see Eric or Jason do THAT!
As the Survivors quickly roast and munch the poor fish, they are contemplating just how wierd it was that Fairplay asked to go home. Eliza was certain it was going to be HER, and that Fairplay had something up his sleeve. Other than that "Tiny Tim" tattoo, that is... Jonathon is a little peeved, too. Fairplay was his ass... er, ace in the hole, and now this has thrown Jonathon's plan out of whack. Leave it to Jonathon to be thinking only of himself at a time like this. Go Jonathon!! I am predicting that he will be one of the final players standing!
Privately, Jonathon tells us that between the members of the tribe, they have over 300 days of "Survivor" experience. If only they'd let Stephenie LaGrossa play again, they'd have over 700 days! He thinks that their experience should pay off as time goes by, providing there aren't any more challenges that involve knots, puzzles, swimming, or obstacle courses.
(Or Maybe "A Sale Of Two..." Oh, Never Mind)
At the victorious Airai camp this morning, things are as cheerful as can be. They have water, they have shelter, they have fire, they have camaraderie... no, wait, that was the Favorites camp. THESE guys have none of those things. No fire, no water, no shelter, no phone, no lights, no motorcar; not a single luxury.
But all is not lost. Alexis shows us the newly-won flint, and tells us that flint means fire. And thus, flint means life. Unfortunately, not one of these Superfans knows how to get from point A (flint) to point B (fire). Joel seems to think they should chop it up for kindling. Eric thinks it's a weight for a fishing pole. Natalie keeps flicking at it with her thumb, wondering why a little flame won't come out of the top.
Click, click, click, click... All day long, the sounds of impotent firemaking resonate throughout the islands. Watching at home, Becky and Sundra from the Cook Islands are laughing hysterically. Even when a tiny spark ignites some coconut husks, no one can blow on it to feed it into a flame. Chet offers to help, claiming to be an expert blower, but nobody listens to him.
But while some are trying to light a fire, others are busy whipping the camp into shape, re-building the pitiful shelter and... no, wait, wrong tribe again. Everyone is just standing around, wondering why the shelter is NOT getting built. Crazy Kathy is again on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and is hoping that shelter starts building itself SOON.
As tempers, attitudes, and hungers flare, the tribe quickly becomes divided along the lines of age, class, and sexual orientation. Before they know it, Tracy, Crazy Kathy, and Chet find themselves on the outside of the younger group. The youngins' don't think they do any work, like Joel did when he hacked away at the flint all day and still 
didn't get fire. THAT was productive work! This pushes Crazy Kathy ever further over the edge. This reminds her of all those times she was called a freak in elementary school. You'd think the students would treat their teachers better! Or that time she was passed over for MVP in Superbowl XIV... Survivor medics are standing by with three bottles of Valium and a nice white jacket.
Nonetheless, the three older members band together. After all, Tracy is a builder back home. They decide that the best way to make amends with the rest of the tribe is to make a new shelter that sleeps just the three of them, and let the others have nothing. How many episodes have these guys supposedly seen? My daughter Azidi is shaking her head, saying "Stupid people. Stupid, stupid people."
My daughter is right. The rest of the tribe is, shall we say, "less than thrilled" by their new tiny bamboo hut. Mikey B. offers to sleep with Tracy and Crazy Kathy, because he says with Chet, it's just wasted. Other than that, battle lines are indeed being drawn.
Over at the Malakal camp this morning, it is a different picture entirely. The shelter is up, a crew is out fishing (well, Ozzy is fishing; the others are watching) and Yau-Man is tending the cooking pot and digging in the sand when he thinks no one is watching. Jonathon tells us that they are very organized, and are ahead of the Fans on the "camp curve." I thought "Camp Curve" was that weight-loss place Wahira the Washerwoman went to last month!
As the day progresses, we also see the progression of the love affairs currently taking place. Ozzy admits he's attracted to Amanda, but he can't let anyone know. Note to Ozzy; too late!! He is going to keep things on the down-low, but just in case, he's gulping down all the oysters he can find. It never hurts to be prepared! Meanwhile, Perverti is teaching James how to thrust his pole and twist it just right for maximum effect... to get coconuts out of a tree. Stop it, Radul!! She thinks James is really cute and strong. She knows that she will have to keep their relationship secret. Did she mention James was cute and strong?
But wait, we are not finished at the Fans camp! By now, the Three Geezers Alliance has finished their mini-shelter, and the others are amazed at how sturdy and well-put-together it is. As "Architectural Digest" shows up to take pictures, they meekly ask the elders' help in making another shelter right next to the first one, and decide to organize a little fire area between the two. Wait, the beginnings of... a camp! The elders agree, on one condition. To decorate the camp, you must find... A SHRUBBERY!!!! (insert fearful music here). As Mary and Eric head into the woods to find Roger the Shrubber from Scene 24, Tracy shows the kiddies how to build a structure that will meet the new International Building Code, complete with Dade County Wind Protection. Cool!
Before long, a fire is finally started, and clams begin walking onto shore for the Survivors to eat. Hey, Radul; clams got legs! Soon, everyone is eating, drinking, resting, and deciding not to sacrifice Crazy Kathy to the Micronesian gods of bamboo and pigeon feces.
But lo and behold, when you put all that testosterone and all that silicone in one place for too long, romance will blossom. It seems that it is happening here as well. Little Mary and Mikey B. are striking up a "friendship." Mikey B. tells us that he likes Mary, but he will be using her trust to, if I remember correctly, "keep her in his pants." Ismira rolls her eyes and says, "just like a man." Joel, however, has taken note, and is watching. He knows a pair is dangerous, but he wants to get rid of the old guys first so he can have their really cozy shelter all to himself. And besides, now that Mikey is growing a beard, he looks like that guy from N'Sync (the one that was NOT gay.)
What is this, "Survivor" or "Love Connection?" Back at the Malakal beach, night has fallen, and the grunting, groaning and slobbering is going full force. Perverti and James are snuggled up tight, while Amanda and Ozzy are re-enacting that scene in "From Here To Eternity." Cirie and Jonathon have both gotten up to take cold showers, and are now resting by the fire. Seeing Cirie's disgust at the orgy down the beach, Jonathon makes his move. No, not THAT kind of move, because old H.B. would find Jonathon in a dark alley and "pop a cap in him." No, Jonathon suggests to Cirie that she side with his group and be in the majority. Cirie is intrigued with the idea of not being a MINORITY for a change. As they drift off to sleep, things seem to be heading in that direction. Calm down, H.B.!!!
and Whoopsies In The Water
Day 5 starts bright and early, and we are immediately brought to the site of today's challenge! The Favorites arrive, and the entire Micronesian island chain bursts into applause as they see that Johnny Fairplay is no longer in the game. Wasting no time, Probst snatches the Palauan Fertility God statue from Mary, who also gives Probst the Immunity Idol back.
Today is a combination Remard / Immunity / Exile challenge! In addition to the little wooden man, the winning tribe gets fishing gear, a boat, and three George Foreman grills. They also get to send one opposing player to Exile Island, first made popular by Janu the Vegas Pole Dancer in these very islands. On to the rules!
Five players will swim out into the lagoon. No, one at a time, Jonathon! There, they will climb a tower, just to jump off it again. No, Jonathon, no union writers were used to create these challenges; can't you tell? On the platform, grab a hatchet and either break a tile to drop a key into the water, or throw it at Crazy Kathy, who will be sitting out and hiding behind a palm tree. Swim back with the key. When you have 5 keys, the Keymaster will use the keys and meet up with the Gatekeeper, and will summon the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Open the chest and find... puzzle pieces!! We knew they were here somewhere! Build either a map of the Micronesian Islands or the CBS Studio Backlot, and you win! Ready? Ozzy, get back here! GO!!!
Ozzy and Jason are out. Jason slips and falls, and Ozzy is already back with the first piece. Ami and Alexis are out next, and Alexis manages to gain a little lost ground. Then Chet hits the course. Literally. Again. And again. And again. Amanda has smashed her tile like Ghallager with a pumpkin, and Chet is dog-paddling out to the tower. He breaks a tile, but doesn't understand why the iron key isn't floating on the water. His teammates try pointing down, under the water, but he thinks they're trying to tell him his fly is open. Amanda is back, and Perverti has gone out and is back before Chet dog-paddles back to shore empty-handed. Oh, we were supposed to bring the keys BACK?
Jonathon, looking almost as good as Ozzy, scampers across the pads, dives into the water, climbs the towers, smashes the tiles, and practices his Academy Award speech while Mikey B. tries to make up lost time for the Airai tribe. Mikey smashes his tile, but also fails to get Chet's tile. Meanwhile, Jonathon is back, and James takes all 5 keys. Ignoring the keys, James simply breaks the locks with his bare hands. Probst, looking at James in awe, says nothing. Yau-Man, Eliza, and Cirie grab the map pieces, and it looks like this challenge is in the bag!
And so it is. While Chet's key gets caught in an undertow current and is heading out to Vanuatu, the Favorites quickly assemble the puzzle and the challenge is over! Without much debate, they decide to exile "That tall chick who looks half-dead already. Maybe she'll die the rest of the way." Crazy Kathy is overjoyed; for the very first time in her life, she wasn't chosen LAST for something!
Then, Probst reveals the twist. The twist is... that the twist is not in a bottle! There were apparently cuts in the production budget this season. Anyway, the Favorites must ALSO send a player to exile, to totally screw up the first player's chances of finding the hidden Immunity Idol in private! Go Probst! Cirie volunteers to go, primarily because her season was CALLED "Exile Island" and she never got to actually stay there. The two exiles are rapidly whisked away, the Favorites head out with their Immunity Idol and fishing gear, and the Fans are belittled, ridiculed, and sent back to hack away at what is left of their flint. The good news is: barring some incredible twist at tomorrow night's Tribal Council, Honest Achmed is getting a new HDTV!!!
After a requisite potty break, we rejoin "Survivor" to watch as Cirie and Crazy Kathy are dumped out of the Survivor speedboat on the shore of a group of islands that collectively make up "Exile Island." Cirie tells us that since she's in the middle between two alliances on her tribe, she needs the idol. Ismira says historically, Cirie is actually in the SAFEST place in her tribe. I do not feel like arguing with Ismira; I am busy thinking about my new HDTV.
The two women head out to the little Exile Island welcome kiosk, and the hunt begins. This season, we have what appears to be the "Immunity Idol Scavenger Hunt." The first clue sends the women across the lagoon to another island. The second clue tells them to look under a tree root back on the first island. Another clue tells them to look unter a tree shaped like a "Y". The next clue says "In the ground right under the center of the cave opening." Yet another clue says "Check James' backpack." All day, the women slog back and forth across the lagoon, from island to island. Eventually, they decide to give up the fruitless search, and make camp under a rock outcropping with a little wooden man tucked underneath it.
Back at the Airai Camp (which is Micronesian for "Gay Guys Can't Swim,") the Survivors are lamenting their loss. Eric is lamenting a nasty bruise that he got on his chest trying to imitate Ozzy. It's now darker than his chest hair! As they regroup, thoughts turn to who needs to be voted out.
The obvious choice is Chet. He is older, absolutely reeked in the last Challenge, and is constantly insisting that "those palm fronds just DO NOT go with that shade of bamboo." Thank you, but this tribe of hot pecs and perky chests does not need another Micronesian Christopher Lowell!
Mikey B. has decided to do the mathematics for the tribe. The vote should go 3 for Tracy and 4 for Chet, in case Kathy gives Immunity to Tracy. It should go 4-3 if Kathy gives it to Chet. If Kathy dies on Exile Island, Mikey will vote for Chet, Joel will vote for Tracy, Mary will vote for Alexis, Eric will vote for Mary, Alexis will vote for Jason, Jason will vote for Joel, and Tracy can throw another vote Johnny Fairplay's way. But, if there is a purple rock involved, everyone vote one down the order, skipping Kathy. Unless she returns with Cirie AND and the Immunity Idol, then we vote by alphabetical order. Not noticing that all his tribemates have either wandered off, fallen asleep, or have shoved sharp bamboo spikes into their eardrums, Mikey feels quite satisfied that they have every contingency plan in place.
Joel, as usual, is not happy with either Mikey B or Mikey B's plan. Can anybody say "power struggle?" He got lost when the voting became more complicated than "Everybody vote for the queer." He has decided to take some action. Cousin Hassim sincerely hope it involves the crunching of bones...
In the early dawn of the next morning, Joel puts operation "He Likes It: Hey Mikey!" into operation. He talks with Eric and Alexis about the possibility about taking control of the tribe away from Mikey by voting out Mary. The logic is that Mikey's power will be broken, and he won't be wasting his strength "Lovin', Touchin', & Squeezin'" things he shouldn't be.
As Crazy Kathy returns to the beach from Exile Island, Joel quietly explains his plan to Tracy and Chet. Chet, needless to say, is all for it. Together, they tell Kathy to vote for Mary and to simply "shut up" at Tribal Council. Kathy thinks she can handle that. Except maybe the "shutting up" part. And who are we voting for, again?
Mary, for her part, has seen Joel talking to several of the tribe members. She couldn't hear what he was saying, though, because Mikey B was busy explaining "Voting Strategy Version 2.1.45.937", which has all the men voting by age, and the women voting according to menstrual cycle. She is sure, though, that she is safe. These are all "Survivor" strategists here; surely no one could be plotting anything!
Poor Mary. Poor, poor "we hardly knew ya" Mary... That night, the Airai tribe arrives at the floating village and gets their first look at Tribal Council. Alexis and Natalie realize that THIS is where that awesome Koror shelter from the Palau season ended up.
Torches are lit, speeches are given, and the newcomers finally get to sit. Jason decides he wants to live here after the show is over. Probst gets right to it. Kathy, I know they want you to shut up, so we'll start with you. How did you get that idol? Kathy says, "Yau-Man. That's all Chet said I'm allowed to say. That, and I wish for world peace in every country." Speaking of Chet, has anyone ever stunk up a challenge that bad before? Chet thinks he did just fine. And he wants world peace. Chet is not a good liar. Mikey B just wants to sing "Bye, Bye, Bye."
How is camp life? Tracy says young people suck. Natalie says old people suck. We have a chalk line drawn down the center of our camp. Other than that, things are great! Mary says some people have formed alliances, but not me and Mikey. Not us. No alliance there; right, sweetie? Oh, sorry...
Joel, who is going home tonight? Joel says I don't care; I want to crush everybody, terminate them all, and become governor of California one day. Can we get on with it? Probst gulps, and announces that it's time to vote. The Survivors head to the voting booth, and we see Mikey B saying something ugly and voting for Chet. We hear Alexis saying she's sorry for voting with the majority, and that is confusing because we are not sure if she is voting Joel's way, or one of Mikey's 46,114 ways.
Probst tallies the votes, and I wish we had the "thought bubbles" feature on our little television. First vote: Chet. Second vote: Chet. Chet is taking it like a man. Well, you know... Third vote: Tracy. Mikey thinks Plan 317-C is being executed perfectly. Fourth vote: Mary. Both Mikey and Mary raise an eyebrow. Fifth vote: Mary. Mikey and Mary raise both eyebrows. Sixth vote: Tracy. It's a three-way tie! Seventh vote: Mary. Mary gulps, Mikey's jaw drops. Eigth vote: Mary. Mikey's blood is boiling. Joel tries to look puzzled. Ninth vote: Mary. Mary has been officially blindsided!! My family cheers!!!
Dazed and more confused-looking than Kathy, Mary rises, is quickly snuffed, and staggers down the dark path to the "Survivor" reunion show. Probst congratulates the tribe on their first blindside. We hope there are many more to come!
Next week, it looks like Cirie is playing both sides of her tribe. Be careful, girlfriend! The Fans suffer another stormy night that proves building codes aren't what they used to be, and we see a game of full-contact something-or-other. Blood and guts! Blood and guts!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Trader of the Desert Sands
