"Survivor: Micronesia" Episode 13:
"Promises In The Dark"
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Injuries, injuries, injuries! Will they never stop? Just when victory seems imminent, an unexpected fall or bump can be fatal! A promising contest cut short; a run for the finish line interrupted! We all know it would be better to lose in the normal way that to suffer such an ignomious defeat! And so, Radul, would PLEASE turn off that coverage of the Kentucky Derby already? If I hear about "Eight Belles" one more time, I will cry! I want to turn my attention to "Survivor: Micronesia," where we LAUGH at injuries and pain!! But through all the wincing, moaning, and grimacing, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Tunisian Trinket Trader, and family are here to ease the hurt!!
This week... ah, where to begin? Yes, it would seem that I am still on the outs with my wives Yamiin and Ismira. Because I STILL will not tell them why I spend three evenings a week with "Long Legs Lahavi" down at Moroccan Robin's Eatery, I am no closer to my own tent and own bed than I was weeks ago!! Hopefully one day, all this suffering with be worth it...
But this week, Yamiin decided to escalate the situation to a new level. With her anger and jealousy at all things "Moroccan Robin's", she and Ismira got together and opened their very own restaurant in the center of town! So now, the hot new place to eat is "Yamiin's 2008 Kitchen," or "Y2K" as it is quickly becoming known. With Ismira performing nightly belly dancing and Yamiin serving her delicious lamb, chicken, and roast goat, "Y2K" is quickly becoming the "Hooters" of the Middle East!
Needless to say, business at Moroccan Robin's has taken a nosedive. After all, that was Yamiin's plan all along! She declares that she will not stop until MRE has closed its doors forever, and Long Legs Lahavi has moved on to more lucrative employment. And so far, her plan seems to be working. There is a constant line of customers outside her door, while tables go empty all day at our former favorite restaurant. Things are not looking good!
To make matters worse, Moroccan Robin's has also had fourteen "surprise health inspections" this week. Who knew that three-day old fish was a health hazard? Or that cheese wasn't SUPPOSED to be that color? Someone even called into the health department to suggest that MRE's meat pies weren't using the right kind of meat! I suspect that Yamiin and Ismira have been watching one too many Johnny Depp movies...
I sincerely hope this issue gets resolved before long. In other news, Cousin Radul is finally able to walk on his own again! It has been many long weeks of bedrest, but last Monday our cousin was finally able to leave the confines of his tent and venture out into town under his own power! Granted, it was with one of those granny-walkers, but Radul didn't care. He simply decorated the thing with red and orange feather boas and went out to physical therapy all by himself!
It took three hours, but Radul finally made it. Along the way, he had to contend with terrified children who thought he would melt their face off if he sneezed at them, or their hands would suddenly sprout three extra fingers if they touched him. It was only that one time... And it wasn't just for the fact that Radul likes physical therapy, either. In recent weeks, he has met several of the other patients at the rehab tent. (And we always thought HASSIM would be the first family member in rehab!) They have formed their very own support group, and have become close friends.
In fact, just yesterday Radul invited all his new friends over for a night of poker games. It was an interesting night of card-playing, to say the least. Girad the Weaver is dyslexic, and kept thinking he had a high hand when he had a low hand. Well, at least that was better than Fahir the Rug Merchant, who is blind and couldn't even SEE his cards! Not to mention Jarra the Baker, who is one-handed and cannot deal without throwing the cards into the sand. And that guy with the severe speech impediment keeps saying "Fold," when he means to say "Call." We don't even know what HIS name is; no one can understand him!
Radul would have won the poker night easily had it not been for the seven-year-old child with no legs. The little girl kept winning every pot until the final hand of the evening. When Radul's Aces-Over-Kings was beaten with the tot's royal flush, Radul accused the girl of cheating, snatched up the huge pile of coins, chips, and camels' teeth and began to hobble away on his walker.
But alas, poor Radul was no match for a seven-year-old female paraplegic. The little girl quickly rolled off of her chair, scooted across the floor using just her hands, and reached Radul before he made it to the door. A brief scuffle ensued, with Radul crying for mercy in a matter of moments. It was agreed that, next time, the game would be held at the little girl's parents' tent. And Radul would NOT be invited.
And so as Radul cleans up the mess from last night's festivities, we are busty discussing what our wager is to be for this week's "Survivor" episode. Since both a Fan and a Favorite had to leave the game last week, we declared that wager null and void. Sorry, Hassim, no kimonos. For you OR them!!
Today, we all agreed that it was finally time to put this "Moroccan Robin's" mess to rest once and for all, so we came up with the definitive wager. If the men win and a "Fan" leaves the game this week, Yamiin and Ismira must close their new restaurant and stop harassing Moroccan Robin's. Forever!!! However, if the ladies win and a "Favorite" is voted out, I must finally come clean about what is going on, for better or for worse. I did not like it, but matters have progressed to the point where I feel I have no other choice. Let the games begin!!
Last week, on "Survivor: Micronesia," the women were in a prime position to vote off both of the remaining men when their plans got short-circuited. James was pulled from the game when his finger swelled to the size of Ozzy's ego, and then Eric had the audacity to win Immunity! The fans decided to turn against Amanda, who in turn turned on them by turning in a returned Immunity Idol and turned the vote to Alexis who had turned her knee and now gets a turn on the jury bench. Whew!! Will there be another blindside? Will there be another Immunity Idol? Will there be another incredibly catty confessional by Natalie? Look, Radul is offering to play Blind Fahir in a game of darts; let's get started!!!
This week, we are once again treated to the blue-gray haze of Nightvision as the tribe returns to camp after Tribal Council. Everyone is still reeling from Amanda's playing of the Immunity Idol. She confesses to Cirie that she got the idol AFTER she let them search her earlier. Cirie is glad Amanda managed to save herself, but also knows that Amanda was testing her when she tried to make her force a tie at Tribal Council. Amanda told Perverti about the idol, but not HER. Hmmmm... Uh, oh; watch out, Amanda!
Natalie and Eric are sleeping on the beach, discussing the deep, deep, deep hole they now find themselves in. They cannot believe that anyone would take Amanda to the finals with them, because she has so many friends on the jury. A good thought, but many, many votes too late... They realize that their only hope is for one of them to find a new Immunity idol on Exile Island. There on the beach, they pinky-swear that if either of them should win the next reward, they will send the other in search of the idol.
Privately, Eric tells us that he may actually have to work with Natalie in order to stay in the game. However, since he is the only man left, he doesn't trust anybody here. He saw what happened to Ozzy and Jason, and there is NO WAY he is going to be that stupid. He decides that his best plan is to make outlandish promises to everyone on the island, and hope nobody talks to each other. Oh, I don't like the way this is going at all...
The next morning, Cirie, Amanda, and Perverti are discussing their best route to the Final Three. It is agreed that the best route is over Natalie and Eric. They realize if Eric wins Reward, he will probably send Natalie to look for the idol. That is just NOT acceptable. So what is the plan?
As usual, Cirie has the answer. She suggests that if Amanda cozys up to Eric and pretends that all is forgiven, he will switch loyalties away from Natalie and send someone else to search for the idol instead. The others are dubious, but willing to give it a try. After all the blindsides he's seen, Eric wouldn't be that foolish, would he?
We will see. Amanda is already down at the shoreline talking to Eric and putting the plan in motion. First, she suggests that since they're such good friends, one should take the other if either one wins Reward. Then ERIC might get a reward; wink, wink, nudge, nudge... Eric takes the bait. Next, she tells him that Natalie wants him to go to Exile Island so that he will be weaker for the next challenge. Not the strong, burly, macho-man he is now! Eric is hypnotized.
Laying it on thick, she next subliminally suggests that she and he are by far the strongest physical and strategic players in the game. If that's true, why was it CIRIE'S idea for you to be doing this? Anyway, she says they should team up instead of fighting with each other. Besides, she's looking for another hot guy, now that Ozzy's gone from the game... Eric is hooked. He is not sure if he believes Amanda or not, but there is definitely a certain part of his body that is screaming "Go for it, ice-cream boy!"
Will Eric change his loyalties? Will he give up fake boobs for fake promises? The time of decision is coming soon, because nearby, we see colored wheels with the Survivors' names on them. They've either each won a new unicycle, or this is the next Reward Challenge! Probst welcomes in the contestants, and quickly explains the rules. Since you are all weak and exhausted (well, except for Eric, who is a strong, burly, macho-man), this challenge will just test your knowledge. The Survivors realize thay're just as screwed.
For the Reward, we will put you into a helicopter and let you buzz your fellow losing Survivors. Then, we will fly you to a local spa, where you will eat more bat stew, soak your feet in mysterious herbs that are not legal in the United States, and then you will be beat upon by Micronesian massage experts who are frustrated they're only making minimum wage. But back to the rules...
We will ask you questions about favorite moments in "Survivor" history, and you will spin your individual "wheels of misfortune" and tell us which season they happened in. For instance, in which season did a doofus named Eric get played by the women? Everybody but Eric guesses the test question correctly. Got the hang of it? Let's get to spinning those wheels!
When did someone have a pet snake? It was Rupert in "Pearl Islands." Perverti, you were thinking about the wrong kind of snake! Eric and Cirie each score a point. When did a Survivor actually bite a shark? There have so many sharks in "Survivor," Eric misses this one. Amanda and Natalie remember it was Richard Hatch in "Survivor: The Prison Edition." Perverti remembers Richard Hatch, and is still thinking about the wrong kind of snake.
Next; when did a Survivor get peed on by another Survivor? And no, what Amanda did to you guys at last Tribal Council doesn't count! Eric is the only one who remembers, and scores another point. So far, Ismira is actually in the lead; she hasn't missed one yet! Moving on; when did a Survivor fall in the fire? Cirie, Perverti, and Eric all say "Australia," and get it right. Natalie says "Micronesia," because she is thinking ahead on how to eliminate Eric.
Last question; when were the contestants first divided into four tribes? Cirie, Natalie, and Eric all guess "Exile Island" and score. Perverti thought the question was "which season had the hottest chick?" and answered Cook Islands. Eric scores four points, and wins Reward!
Now it's decision time. First, who are you going to save by sending them to Exile to get the new idol? Natalie grabs her bag and is already heading off toward the speedboat. The producers throw her back into the lagoon when Eric decides that he wants Perverti to go instead. Natalie is puzzled at first, but then she figures it out. He wants to take her on the Reward instead! How sweet!
Next, Eric, who would you like to invite to go on the reward with you? Natalie grabs her bag again and starts walking toward Eric. Probst stops her and tosses her into the jungle when Eric decides that he will take Amanda instead. That leaves Natalie and Cirie to head back home all alone. Personally, we can't wait to see how Cirie plays this one!!
Sure enough, back at camp, Natalie is a little bit less than pleased with Eric's choices. She is actually fuming mad, and seriously considering flossing with jugular veins again. Of course, Cirie is there to cojole... er, console her, offering sympathies and wondering with her how in the world Eric could do such a thing. Eric must not really have an alliance with you, Cirie suggests, waving her hands like Obi-Wan Kenobi. He must not really have an alliance with me, Natalie agrees.
Privately, Cirie tells us she is loving messing with Natalie's mind, despite the fact there's really not much there to mess with. Before long, she has Natalie believing Eric is the one who masterminded her deception, helped Amanda find the Immunity Idol, and planned the Sept. 11 attacks on New York City. Before long, Cirie's work is done, and the remnants of the fans are at each other's throats. Divide and conquer!!
But as Natalie stews and plots assorted morbid revenges, Eric and Amanda are buzzing overhead on their way to the Micronesian Microbrasion Microwave Spa. Eric leans out of the helicopter to wave at Cirie and Natalie below, and they wave back. At least, he THINKS that's what they were doing. Meanwhile, Amanda is resisting the urge to give Eric a gentle shove and create a memorable "Survivor" moment for next season's trivia challenge.
Eric tells her that he's glad he brought a FRIEND along for the trip, and that he is tired from all the incredible thinking and strategizing he has done all season. Back home, his biggest decision was "Chocolate or Vanilla?" He says he wants to take a break from the game for a day and just be friends. Amanda says that's just fine with her. Ismira is already shaking her head; she says you NEVER get out of the game. Those who do find themselves out of the game PERMANENTLY! After all the blindsides he's seen, Eric wouldn't be that foolish, would he?
We are beginning to wonder. Once at the spa, Eric continues to make us wonder how he he ever got this far in the game to begin with. He groans as the masseuse rubs his back, he giggles as the attendants scrub all the toe goo from his feet, and he faints when he sees the bill for what tonight is costing CBS. He admits that he's never been to a spa in his life, unless that wire foot-scrubber outside the Ace Hardware back home counts. Amanda looks upon him with undisguised pity, loathing, and disgust. Time for more overacting!
Later at dinner, Eric is remarking how everybody is coming to him, asking him what decision he's going to make. Cookies 'n Cream, Fudge Ripple, or Rocky Road? It's all just too much; he is on the verge of going insane! Amanda tells him that everyone wants an alliance with him because of the obvious; he's an idiot they can manipulate. Except she doesn't say that last part out loud. She suggests that he's a power player, and that he should make an alliance with everyone in camp. Don't worry, the women will never talk and compare notes! Stop being the "ice cream boy" and be the "ice cream man" for a change! Take a chance, what's the worst that could happen? I have to admit, watching the poor boy fall for a blatant setup like this IS rather amusing...
Go To Coconut Grove
The next day, we pay a short visit to Exile Island, the temporary vacation hideaway of everyone's favorite flirt, Perverti. A day into her "exile," we find her sprawled out on the sandy beach, trying out different poses for when she finally gets that call for the "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Issue. After all the bug bites heal, of course.
Perverti, in between bouts of extreme napping and intense sunbathing, tells us she is too swamped with this busy itinerary to spend any time looking for the idol. Besides, with her alliance, she has no need for an Immunity Idol. My family begs to differ. Considering the other two players in her alliance, she better grab every Immunity Idol she can!
Well, even the lonely cameramen can only stare at Perverti's flea-bitten, welt-covered body for so long, and soon we are back at Camp Dabu, which Eric knows is REALLY Micronesian for "I'm In Deep Doo-Doo." He and Amanda arrive at the beach, but there is absolutely no welcoming committee waiting for them. If there were, they'd probably be hiding in the trees with poisonous blow-darts. Eventually, they wander up to the cave to find Cirie and She-Who-Will-Not-Make-Eye-Contact.
Eric and Amanda try to downplay the great time they had at the Reward, but Cirie won't let it go. As Natalie fumes and hacks away at rocks, logs, and coconuts with the machete, Cirie announces that she is SURE there was food, fun, drinks, and all kinds of stuff Natalie would have enjoyed if Eric would have just not been such a goober-head. Eric, for his part, knows that he has screwed up with Natalie, but thinks that "goober-head" is a little strong. Such coarse language hardly seems appropriate!
Later, Cirie approaches Eric down at the shelter on the beach in an effort to build on what she started with Natalie the day before. Now, watching Cirie work her magic is like watching Yamiin cook; such expertise! She talks friendly and calmly to Eric about the fact that he is getting tangled up in a web of lies and deceit. Trying to appease her, Eric begins to blabber incoherently, finally saying something to the effect that he would like to be in the Final Three with Cirie and Perverti. Just at that moment, though, Cirie has timed it so that Natalie wanders up and hears the entire conversation!
Later on the beach, Cirie tells both Amanda and Natalie that ERIC wants both of them gone. Trust me, my friends, there is only ONE way this is going to turn out! Once again, Cirie is playing all sides, and no one seems to care! The women all agree, the boy-toy is going home at the next Tribal Council. Unless Natalie can get her hands on some poisonous blow-darts before then.
To his credit, Eric realizes that everyone suddenly thinks he's "full of crap." Mainly because all the women came up to him and said, "You're full of crap." Even the Ice Cream Man can take a hint! He doesn't know what to do, and Amanda tells him he was a fool for trying to make alliances with everyone. Who on Earth would give you stupid advice like that? Pick one player and stick with them, kid! Now THOROUGHLY confused, Eric can only look forward to one thing... He MUST win Immunity to survive, and quit making these stupid mistakes. Well, maybe just ONE more...
As the "Survivor Travel-Cam" zooms in on today's Immunity Challenge, we'll see if Eric has reached the game's quota for stupid mistakes. On a tiny island we see three huge circles in the sand, connected with a series of rainbow stripes. It looks like that flag Radul used to fly outside his tent on Tuesdays! Probst wastes no time in calling the Survivors to the beach, then welcomes Perverti back from Club Med. Her alliance-mates hug her, but she refuses Eric's offer of a full body-cavity-search for the idol. Still, he doesn't take the hint.
Here are the rules. You will take two ropes and wrap them around Eric's neck. Pull tightly until he drops dead, then dig in the spot where he falls to retrieve a set of puzzle pieces. Well, at least that's what Natalie heard. Put together the puzzle to reveal a second set of coordinates to a huge tiger pit. Push Eric in to get another set of puzzle pieces. Well, at least that's what Amanda heard. Use the latest coordinates to solve the final puzzle, and you can go out with every black man in Micronesia! At least that's what Perverti heard. Survivors delusional? GO!!!
Immediately, ropes are strewn across the first sandy pit. Eric quickly locates his coordinates and starts digging. Natalie can't even carry the heavy ropes, and Amanda is just plain tired of having to dig up things from the sand. Before we realize it, Eric has his first set of puzzle pieces and is solving his first puzzle!
Eric is out at the second sand pit as Cirie and Amanda finally arrive back with their first set of pieces. Natalie is still weakly digging, and Perverti is busy trying out new magazine poses. Cirie heads out to the second pit, Amanda is still trying to figure out if that symbol is a bird or a Ferrarri, and Perverti has fallen asleep from all that exertion she did on Exile Island. Natalie, though, finally has her first bag and is heading back.
But Eric is steadily gaining ground. All that ice cream scooping is coming in handy as he plows through the sand, quickly unearthing his second set of clues. In another moment, he has solved his second puzzle! Natalie, Amanda, and Cirie are still digging tunnels in the second pit as Eric lines up his ropes, calculates the appropriate sun angle, figures in for latitude and longitude and gravitational pull this time of year, and quickly digs up his third bag faster than Natalie can say "Bite me, goober-head." He is in the home stretch!
The contest isn't even close. The women have degenerated into a sand-throwing catfight, and Perverti has dug a hole so deep she can't get out with her bag once she finds it. With no competition anywhere in sight, Eric quickly puts the final puzzle together and once again wins Immunity!! Radul says you would think Eric worked in a deli, because he is "on a roll." That is SO not funny, Radul...
Probst congratulates Eric on yet another Immunity Challenge win, and notes that scooper-boy is the only one safe at Tribal Council tonight. Barring an insanely, game-ending, incredibly moronic move, one of the ladies will be going home tonight!!
Game-Ending, Incredibly Moronic Move
As the tired and sand-encrusted tribe collapses back at camp after the challenge, Natalie is feeling the most miserable. She talks to the other women and the sentiment is pretty clear. Because Eric has that darn Immunity necklace, she will probably get voted off tonight. It just doesn't seem fair that Eric should keep winning, just when all of the tribe wants him out! If he just wasn't wearing that necklace at Tribal Council...
Once again, Cirie works her magic. If this woman doesn't win "Survivor," my family may stop watching! She "crazily" suggests that perhaps Natalie could talk Eric into giving HER the Immunity Necklace tonight at Tribal Council. After the inevitible laughter dies down, Cirie suggests it again, and Amanda chimes in that it might just work. If Natalie could convince the young, confused, horny lad to give her the necklace, she could say they were all voting off Amanda tonight. But they would need to SEE a sign of his trustworthiness. A sign like, oh, I don't know... giving up the necklace?
Even Natalie thinks this is a ridiculous idea, and feels stupid for even listening to it. As they discuss it, though, she realizes that this hair-brained, longshot scheme is her only shot of staying in the game. But still, what kind of idiot would fall for foolishness like that? (cut and paste) After all the blindsides he's seen, Eric wouldn't be that foolish, would he?
Natalie heads up to the cave, hoping that her acting skills are half of what Amanda's are. Privately, she tells Eric that she has this CRAZY idea. Well, she's not lying yet... If she, Eric, and Cirie pull a fast one, they can vote out Amanda tonight. The ooooonly problem is... Cirie doesn't believe you, and she wants you to give ME the necklace as a show of good faith. And besides, it would show the jury just what sort of player you are. An incredibly gullible and stupid one. Only she doesn't say that last part out loud.
Eric is not sure he believes Natalie, so he goes to the one person EVERYBODY trusts... Cirie. Poor boy. Poor, poor, about to regret it for the rest of his life boy... She confirms Natalie's story, adding she needs to see that he can be trusted by giving up the necklace. He needs to stop lying and be truthful, like the rest of them. Once again, she wiggles her fingers mysteriously. Eric wanders away, muttering "We don't need to see his identification," and Cirie knows he is seriously considering stepping into the Venus Fly Trap.
But Eric is no fool. He comes up with a brilliant plan of his own that will outsmart them all! He is sure that Perverti has found the new Immunity Idol, and he is equally sure she is going to give it to Amanda to play tonight. Therefore, he might give up Immunity to Natalie if the others will bow to HIS will and vote for Perverti instead of Amanda. Poor Eric doesn't realize just how wrong he is on so many levels...
Natalie and Cirie talk, and agree to go along with "Eric's Plan." After all, one lie is just as good as another! As a precaution, Cirie suggests to Amanda that she and Perverti really give Eric a hard time at Tribal Council, so he will think Cirie and Natalie are his REAL friends. Cirie has every base covered! Even now, my family is bowing low to the ground, chanting, "We're not worthy... We're not worthy..."
But will it pay off? If so, this will be a most enjoyable Tribal Council! Probst watches the five remaining Survivors take their seats, then summons the jury. In respect to James and Alexis, the entire jury enters Tribal Council limping slowly. An hour goes by, then Probst can finally get down to business.
Eric, why take Amanda on Reward after she insulted you at Tribal Council? Eric says it's about making crazy gestures to get back into everyone's good graces. Hear that, jury? I'm making gestures! Ozzy makes a gesture back. Perverti says she was glad to be away at Exile, because Eric was being a TOTAL JERK AND I HATE HIM!! Did I do that all right, Cirie?
Eric admits that he's been a bad, bad boy. But I'm going to make a gesture, okay? Amanda says you lied to me, to Perverti, to Cirie, to Natalie, and to Johnny Fairplay, and THAT'S pretty low! I HATE YOU TOO, YOU SLIMEBALL!!! How was that, Cirie? Cirie whistles contentedly.
Eric, what will it take to win this game, besides some brains and a miracle? Eric says I must win some jury votes. BY MAKING A GESTURE, ALL RIGHT? Cirie agrees; Eric has been a liar, but A GESTURE would make everything better (hint, hint) and win respect (hint, hint) and love (hint, hint) and a few jury votes. Too bad that after tonight, jury votes won't matter to you. Except she doesn't say that last part out loud.
Well then, let's get to the vote. And since we KNOW that Eric isn't going to give his Immunity Necklace... what was that, Eric? You want to give your Immunity Necklace to Natalie? Eric says I want to make a gesture that shows everyone in the world just what sort of "Survivor" player I am. And that you will, my boy... With that, he hands the necklace to Natalie. On the jury, Eliza's eyes have bugged out more than usual, Ozzy is shaking his head in defeat, and James has pulled his IV cord right out of its bag. Everyone in Micronesia EXCEPT Eric knows what is about to happen! The women are secretly smiling, knowing they have pulled off one of the boldest moves in "Survivor" history!
Do we even need to see the votes? We see Eric voting for Perverti, completely lost in his own little self-delusional world. Amanda and Natalie cast their votes for Eric, unale to speak in the presence of such an awesome display of foolishness. Perverti dubs Eric the "Dumbest Survivor EVER," taking the title away from James. Cirie tells the world what WE have known all along. She ain't strong, but she's outplayed these suckas since Day 1!
Probst tallies the votes, and Eric is the only one who seems surprised. It's 4-1, and he has officially been jacked!!! Not believing his fate, he presents his torch for snuffing, then runs down the path for a banana split. At least this Survivor fan can leave knowing he will be forever remembered in the annals of "Survivor" history. You can bet HE will be on every future trivia game!!!
This weekend, we say farewell to this entertaining season of "Survivor!" But have no fear; with this foursome, it looks to be a very entertaining finale indeed! And Yamiin, you can start shutting down that restaurant any time now. Ismira has performed her last public belly dance!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Trader of the Desert Sands
