"Survivor: Micronesia " Episode 1:
"Fairplay IS As Dumb As He Looks"
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Oh, how good it is to be home again! The familiar sights, the familiar sounds, the familiar smells!! Of course, it is good to be in my village once again, too, but I am talking about being back in front of my television, with the sights, sounds, and smells of yet another season of "Survivor!" The exotic scenery, the exciting sounds of moaning, fighting, and whining, and the smells of... well, actually, the less said about that, the better! Nonetheless, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Mediterranean Marketeer, and family are ready to entice, entertain, and otherwise offer our two-denarii-worth!
Despite just getting back from our South Pacific desert island adventure, my household is fully in gear getting ready to celebrate another "Survivor" season. With nothing in our tents except a throw rug and fourteen dust bunies, however, we are finding the task quite daunting. One day, I will get my hands on that blasted council of village elders...
We are doing our best, though. Ismira has somehow hooked her hacked satellite phone to the small television we have on loan from Moroccan Robin's Eatery. It took her two days, but she finally managed to acquire a television signal so we could watch our favorite show. Until that time, however, all we got on the television screen was a cryptic message that read "Not Penny's Boat." Although the picture is grainy, small, and in black-and-white, we will now be able to watch "Survivor!"
Cousin Hassim and his new bride Vishaz have spent the last week trying to track down our belongings. So far, they have learned that Hulfra the Arbiter saw Ferdinand the Loan Shark talking to Abdulla von Schmidt about the possibility of Shiek Fazar of Qatar hearing the rumor that Rama-ha the Revolting might have seen an article of Ismira's wardrobe being worn by the seventeenth harem girl of Yuzi the Semi-sheik, last seem on a camel he bought from Hulfra the Arbiter. They feel certain that once they torture enough people in this circle of deceit, they will soon find out exactly where our possessions have been taken.
Radul has been searching, as well. He spent three days and nights combing our area, searching tirelessly. When he realized that our belongings were not being hidden in the local "Victoria's Secret" mail-order catalog, though, he gave up the search. He did, however, come home with three colorful push-up bras and a pair of shorts that say "Pink" across the buttocks.
In the meantime, we have placed our small television in the center of what was once our media tent, and have set up three rugs and four pillows. Yamiin is busy trying to revise her recipes to reflect our recent adventures. I have to admit, though, I do not think I will like "Chipotle Goat, Herb, and Coconut Stew." Although "Wild Boar Couscous flavored with tangy Smoke Monster" sounds promising...
As we made this season's meager preparations, our family has been discussing the pros and cons of having supposedly expert Survivor fans who have never played the game compete against people who have actually had the experience. My family seems to be divided on the subject. Ismira believes that the fans with all the strategic knowledge will have a superior edge from having watched every episode. She thinks they will easily out-strategize the old players, and that this season there may even be another "Ulonging."
I, on the other hand, could not disagree more. I firmly believe that actual, practical experience in the game far outweighs pure strategy. For instance, anyone can THINK about being a suicide bomber, but those who have actually done it once or twice... okay, bad example. But in "Survivor," my logic holds true. I believe that the newbies will drop faster than Richard Hatch's shorts.
The ensuing argument became quite heated, resulting in shouting, ancestral insults, and my sleeping by myself for several nights. Yamiin has sided with Ismira, along with Vishaz and my daughter Azidi. Hassim, Radul, and I all believe that the former players will have the advantage. It looks like it is the men versus the women!!
To make our disagreement into a game (as we are wont to do), we decided to have a little weekly wager. Each side will list something they want the other side to do for them. If a former "Survivor" gets booted, the men must do whatever the women have selected. If a new player bites the dust (as they most assuredly will,) then the women must perform whatever task the men have chosen.
This week, Radul, Hassim, and I have decided that if we win, the women must purchase us a brand-new HDTV for our media tent. The women have said that if THEY win, we must do the cooking for a full week. This will be no contest! Return to hi-def, here we come!!!
As we huddle around our tiny, borrowed television, we are as excited as we have ever been. Perhaps the true key to happiness lies not in our possessions, but in quality time spent with family. Oh, who are we kidding, I want my HDTV!! Will the former players put aside their past differences and work together to survive? Will the new players put aside their differences and work together to prove themselves superior? Will my wives put aside their differences with me so I won't have to sleep alone again tonight? Even now, Radul is dancing around the tent in his new pink booty-shorts; let's get started!!!
Praise be to Allah! Our tiny television comes to life with the sight of our favorite son-of-a-djinn Jeff Probst! As we cheer and throw dates in the air, Probst is busy telling us all about the islands of Palau, which have apparently been renamed "Micronesia" because "Survivor: Palau, the Sequel" did not sound nearly exciting enough. As Probst tells us all about the abundant sealife, abundant water, and abundant venereal diseases that these islands harbor, he is happily buzzing a group of terrified-looking new Survivors. These contestants are being chauffered by the Royal Palau (sorry, Micronesia) Valet Service, a new feature being offered this season by Mark Burnett for a nominal fee.
Probst tells us that these new competitors are huge "Survivor" fans, and they are about to live "the adventure of a lifetime." But little do they realize, Mark Burnett already has new tricks up his sleeve. To play against them, "Survivor" has chosen ten of the most memorable, dirtiest, sneakiest, and conniving players from seasons past. We see glimpses of James the Gravedigger, Yau Man (to which we cheer madly), Ami and Eliza from Vanautu (uh oh, watch out for the "Ami Factor") and Ozzy the Dolphin Boy!! There is also someone I do not recognize, wearing a hat that says "Will Lie For Food." Ismira informs us that this is the infamous "Johnny Fairplay," possibly the most disgusting man ever to play "Survivor." Already, we know this will be a fantastic season!
As the unsuspecting victims... er, new contestants are brought to shore, the tribal valet guys begin a rhythmic pounding of their paddles. No, Radul That's NOT what I'm talking about! Sure enough, the primitive rain dance is a success, and this "Survivor" starts off in a torrential downpour. I am loving this already! A few of the new Surivors tell us how this is indeed their fantasy come true, and how they have always dreamed of sleeping in the dirt and eating insects.
Already enjoying the Survivors' misery in the rain, Probst welcomes them to hell and quickly explains that it's even worse: you are about to have your sorry butts kicked by REAL players! As the newbies let their jaws drop to the sand, the old-timers begin coming around the bend like loved ones in Episode 11.
There is Cirie "The Couch Potato" Fields, Ozzy "Win Every Stinkin' Challenge" Lusth, Ami "So What If I'm A Lesbian" Cusak, Jonathon "I've Got A Lot Of Free Time Since The Writers' Strike" Penner, Eliza "Just Shut Up Already" Orlins, James "Yes, I Wasted Two Immunity Idols" Clement, Parvarti "Lock Up Your Sons" Shallow, Yau Man "I Love My Turtle" Chan, Amanda "I've Got A Blur On My Butt" Kimmel, and of course Johnny "Will Lie For Food" Fairplay.
The new Survivors have mixed reactions to the introduction of these older players. Eric is looking forward to out-Ozzying Ozzy. Joel is looking forward to competing against James, since Joel is the only new Survivor that James cannot snap like a twig. Tracy is looking forward to puking on Johnny Fairplay, and hopes she can do so before she starves too much and there is nothing left in her stomach.
As the rain continues to drench the players, Probst, the cameramen, and Julie Berry, who is waiting patiently for Probst to finish so they can get back to the love nest, our host quickly names the new tribes and hands out buffs. Their will be "Airai," which is Micronesian for "Virgins, Beware!" and "Malakal," which is Micronesian for "Old, Tired, And Washed-Up."
Probst goes on to tell the players that there are two canoes on the next island with maps to the Survivor camps. Cirie asks if she can use the maps for toilet paper. Probst is thinking, not again! He also tells them that there are two hidden Immunity Idols, only these are not so hidden. In fact, they're even more out in the open than the ones in China! We know you old guys are getting senile. These idols must be played the first time your team goes to Tribal Council. Are you getting this, James? The FIRST time!!
And with that, the game is in progress. While the rest of the Survivors slog through the waist-deep (in Yau Man's case, neck-deep) water, Ozzy and Eric have already begun the "Ozzy Olympics." They are madly racing through the water, determined to reach the not-hidden idols before the other does. Round one goes to Eric as he hits the beach first, but he loses points when he rests his tired hands on the Immunity Idol as he pauses to look for the Immunity Idol. Speed: definitely. Brains: not so much.
The rest of the players eventually make shore, after Cirie has to be rescued by the Palauan Coast Guard. The hunt is on in the jungle when Johhny Fairplay sees an idol hanging in plain sight on the front of the canoe. Smugly, he grabs it, but it's the wrong boat! He tries to make a dash for the other boat, but is tackled and body-slammed by Yau-Man as he reaches for it. Hooray!!! Yau man has yet ANOTHER Immunity Idol, and quickly hangs a coconut on the front of the boat, hoping the other players will be fooled. As for Fairplay? Brains: not so much. Speed: not so much, either.
Meanwhile, no one else has thought to look in plain sight until Kathy wanders back out to the beach in a daze (which we are later to find out is pretty much the norm for Kathy.) Yau Man quickly points to the idol, and Kathy grabs for the coconut. Oops, sorry... she grabs the little wooden man on a string, and the first Immunity challenge is over! With no further ado, the old and new Survivors hop into their respective canoes and begin paddling, opening and studying their maps before Cirie gets her hands on them.
After a brief commercial break (and a new platter of broiled lamb in my tent), we see the Airai tribe "Airai-ving" at their new beachfront property. (Their joke, not mine.) Introductions are made as Tracy is busy practicing exactly how she will vomit on Johnny Fairplay at the first challenge.
Mikey B., who for the last year has been relentlessly teased because he looks like Taylor Hicks, has decided to give the rest of his tribe corny nicknames as well. There is "Big Bird," "The Incredible Hulk," "Southern Princess," "Bon Jovi," and lastly, "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy." The producers politely ask him to stop the name-calling, primarily because he is spoiling the fun for Internet recappers everywhere.
Over on the set of "Queer Eye," however, an interesting exchange is taking place. Crazy Kathy (a MUCH better name than "Big Bird," by the way) is staring at Chet like a zoo animal on exhibit. Turns out, she has never seen a real gay person up close before. Chet calmly endures her endless comments of "Garwsh!," "Omigawd!!", and "Do you know George Michael?" She asks Chet if she should call him "Gay," "Homo," "Queer," "Faggot," "Perv," or "Nancy-Boy." Chet tells her that "Chet" will be just fine. Radul just wants his phone number!
As it turns out out, Crazy Kathy is not only fascinated by gay men, she has a deep longing to know Yau Man on an intimate level and to grope and fondle Tracy's boob implants. The rest of the tribe is incredibly freaked out by all this, and vows to get rid of her as soon as she has spent her Immunity Idol. Tracy suggests that perhaps Kathy will actually give HER the Immunity Idol if she lets her "cop a feel."
Let's hope that things are not quite as un-family-friendly over at the Malakal beach! So far, it seems we are safe. The returning players already know each other's names, so the only discussion seems to be whose season was the best. Eliza offers the first bit of strategy of the Malakal tribe: Let's try to beat the other guys, okay? The tribe cheers at her brilliant strategy and gameplay, then sets off discussing if the shelter should be a really cool one like in the Cook Islands, or a really sucky one like James built in China.
Fairplay takes time off from shelter-building (whoda' thought?) to tell us that last time, he was a single slimeball, but now he's a slimeball with a pregnant girlfriend. Apparently, this is supposed to make us and the other players feel sorry for him. It doesn't, so we get back to the game. James promises not to make a sucky shelter, so the men begin building a large, substantial structure, while the women collect palm fronds and Ozzy dives down to Davy Jones' Locker and returns with an all-you-can-eat huge clam. Things are looking good! James appreciates the fact that everyone is working, not like Courtney, Todd, Jean-Robert, Jaime, Erik, Chicken, Dave, and that annoying chick Pee-Gee. He would hug everyone, but is afraid that he would snap them in half like a piece of bamboo.
But all is not hunky-dory (despite James' hunkiness.) Privately, Parvati tells us that her strategy last time was to flirt. Stop the presses!!! Strategic revelation! All right, Yamiin, I will try not to be sarcastic... This time, however, her strategy is going to be totally different. Instead of flirting with that wussy white guy Adam that wound up swapping spit with Candace, she will have more than one dimension. She will flirt with the big, black guy instead. Yes, my friends, a totally different strategy indeed! Sorry, Yamiin...
As for James, he couldn't be happier. He is from the South, and he loves white women. Remember "To Kill A Mockingbird?" He especially loves white women sex kittens. Especially ESPECIALLY white women sex kittens that are as strategic as Parvati. Note to self: we hereby name this the "Dumbo Duo," and Parvarti's name will once again be "Perverti." Some things never change...
But alas, the Dumbo Duo is not the only pair forming at the Malakal camp. Ozzy and Amanda have been busy complimenting each other all day, and an alliance is definitely in the works. Ozzy tells Amanda that he is trustworthy, and will stick with her until the end. Or at least until a swap or merge and he can meet Tracy; her boob implants are WAY bigger! For her part, Amanda admits that Ozzy's episodes were her favorite. Unfortunately, she was talking about the time he was on the "Playboy Channel," not "Survivor." Regardless, they agree to form the "Alliance of Conjugal Convenience."
Eliza, though, is nobody's fool. Okay, maybe that is open for discussion... She suspects that James and Perverti and Ozzy and Amanda might be teaming up. The nighttime grunting, groaning, and cries of "Oh my God, James!" are clearly clues. She knows that the four of them pose a danger to the rest of the Favorites tribe, and to the sense of decency of millions of viewers back home as well.
Please, take us back to the other camp already! Mercifully, we are suddenly whisked across the lagoon. It seems that the Airai tribe has taken far too long to build their shelter, and night has already fallen, along with torrential amounts of rain. Jason the coach tells us that no one could decide where to build it, and that Alexis and Mary insisted that they find that fantastic Koror shelter from "Survivor: Palau" and use it instead. No luck...
What it comes down to is that a single palm frond is not nearly enough to shelter ten people (eleven, if you count Joel as two.) These players are getting a true "Survivor" welcome by spending their first night in a monsoon! My family cheers at the sheer brutality of Mark Burnett!
Crazy Kathy, especially, is not taking this very well. Although she has watched every episode of every season, she did not think it REALLY rained out here, and that they would REALLY have to build a shelter. As a result, she is cold, tired, and on the verge of the earliest nervous breakdown in "Survivor" history. As the poor, disheveled woman shivers and cries well into the night, my family laughs and has another helping of broiled lamb.
At the Malakal Camp the next morning, the grunting and groaning has finally stopped. By now, it is obvious to the rest of the tribe that Ozzy is involved in yet another "Foursome." Eliza, Yau Man, Jonathon, and Ami quickly agree to assemble their own four-person group as well. With these four, we are absolutely certain there will be no hanky-panky going on!
Eliza, who is currently doing the group's thinking, eventually realizes that four against four does not give her group an advantage. She is a law student, not a mathematician. Jonathon suggests they pull in Johhny Fairplay as a fifth teammate. While everyone is retching at the thought, they do realize that he would be the perfect person to backstab when the time is right. They decide that as long as there will be blood, hurt feelings, and embarrassment, they are okay with the plan.
Trouble is, Fairplay is even now talking to the ACC (Alliance of Conjugal Convenience.) They are trying to convince him to join their foursome, but Fairplay insists he already has a girlfriend back home. And a grandmother who's dying. Nonetheless, he agrees, and everyone dances merrily back to camp. Trusting Fairplay? What are these people thinking?
Sure enough, the next thing we see, Fairplay is reporting back to the Alliance of Misfit Toys. There is indeed a foursome, and they want to vote out Eliza first because she is shifty, crafty, and has no boob implants. To counter, Eliza's group discusses voting out either Ozzy, because he can compete in challenges, or Perverti, because James can compete in challenges. Fairplay tells them that whatever they decide, he's with them. Jonathon thinks that Fairplay is a good addition to their alliance because he is so sneaky. Copy and paste... Trusting Fairplay? What are these people thinking?
For his part, Fairplay is enjoying all this quality camera time. It sure beats getting his butt whipped by Danny Bonaduce! Like the rest of us, he cannot understand why these supposed "expert" Survivor players all seem to trust him and want him in their alliances. Heck, he even has it pasted all over his hat! Personally, I do not think this bodes well for my favorite team, and it looks like we will NOT be getting our HDTV this week.
Of Cro-Magnon Man
The next morning, the sun has finally cleared. It is time for Yau Man, the Professor of this Micronesian Gilligan's Island, to conduct another scientific experiment. While the Frolicking Foursome lounges out in the water delighting that the water feels like pee (thank you, Perverti), the little man is busy at work with a secret fire-starting device that he cleverly smuggled into the game disguised as an ordinary pair of glasses. Before long, our little Yoda has used the makeshift magnifying glass to woodburn "Yau Man Loves Immunity Idols" onto a tree truck, has tortured several ants and crickets, and has ignited some formerly-dry coconut husks to start a roaring fire.
Eliza thinks this is wonderful. Now, they have a good shelter (even though it has that post-coital smell still lingering) they have all the clams they can eat, and now they have fire and water. There is no way they can lose the upcoming challenge. Do you hear me? NO WAY they can lose! Not a chance in a million!!
And with THAT bit of heavy-handed foreshadowing out of the way, we finally pay another visit to the NON-All-Stars camp. Chet and Tracy have gone into the woods, and have returned with tree mail and a tribal flag. No, Radul, I said FLAG, not... oh, never mind. The accompanying note says something about wheels and not overthinking. On our television, we couldn't read the note, because the camaraman was busy zooming in on Tracy's boob implants instead of the message. Crazy Kathy asks if she could take a look, and I don't think she was talking about the tree mail.
The new Survivors are excited about this upcoming challenge. They hope to take the Favorites by surprise, to win Immunity, and make a name for themselves. After all, there is always "Survivor All-Stars 3" to look forward to! Tracy just wants some tasty rat guts to eat.
And with that tasty thought lingering on our palates, we are quickly whisked away to the first Immunity Challenge of the season! Well, not counting that "Find the Idol hidden out in the open on the front of the boat" thing. We see an obstacle course laid out in the woods, with ramps, carts, and huge turning wheels at the end. We are salivating; let's get on with it!
The tribes arrive, and Probst, freshly blow-dried, begins the taunting. Eliza, in three hundred words or less, how is your tribe doing? Half an hour later, Eliza has told the entire history of Micronesia, and adds, "and oh, we're eating good, too." Fairplay tries to taunt the new players by lying about how much food they are really eating, but the new players aren't buying it. Joel, especially, wants to rip Fairplay's head off, mount it on a spike, and throw his body to feed the sharks. Joel, welcome to the ranks of "Survivor" fans everywhere!
Here are the rules: Untie lots of knotted ropes to release puzzle pieces, then assemble the pieces. Hey, this is "Survivor" after all, what did you expect? You will build four wheels for a cart on which you will place the two tribe members you hate the most and give them a bone-jarring ride across huge tree roots from that Ewok planet in "Star Wars," through several bamboo fences from "Apocalypse Now," across that rickety bridge from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," then up a platform. There, you will re-assemble the wheel pieces, turn the huge pirate ship's crank, and summon the fearsome Kracken, which will devour the other team. Enough movie references? GO!!!
And the race is on! Well, for the Fans team, it is. They quickly untie their wheel pieces and and even more quickly assemble all four. Meanwhile, Jonathon is looking at all the puzzle pieces, shouting "Do the corners first!" The Airai tribe is onto the course, with Joel single-handedly pulling Mary and Natalie, while Eliza anf Yau Man wait for their teammates. James is looking in the undergrowth, convinced that someone has thrown one of the wheel pieces into the woods.
Jason, Joel, and Taylor Hicks barrel their way through the bamboo gates, barely stopping, before the Favorites are even off the starting blocks. Finally, the Malakal tribe is on the course, only to hit a huge tree root cleverly disguised as... a huge tree root. Eliza flies out of the cart, does a two-and-a-half gainer, but doesn't nail the landing. Instead, she falls on her face, causing squeals of delight from the women in my tent.
Meanwhile, the fans have assembled their bridge and are moving across. Eric gets cheers from my family as he shovels handfuls of sand onto Ozzy as he digs. Score another one for Eric! Soon, the fans are across the bridge and have made it to the final platform. The wheels come off, and it's time to assemble the Kraken Wheel!
The favorites are trying to catch up, but Eliza's bleeding, hollow eye socket is proving too much of a distraction. They eventually make it to the final platform, but it is too late. The Airai tribe has already assembled their wheel, turned it to raise the fire bucket, and are now busy doing the "Uh, Huh; In Ya Face" dance. Probst hands the winners the recycled Palau Immunity Idol, the recycled flint, and sends them happily back to their recycled island. To the losers, he tells them the good news; The Tribal Council is totally new!
The humbled Malakal tribe meanders back to their beach, and the politicking begins. Ozzy says we'll do better. IF you keep ME. Cirie says I can't swim, I can't run, I can't make fire, I'm afraid of the woods, so please keep me. Hey, that strategy worked last time! Fairplay says he's good for ratings, which is important because ABC has moved "Lost" to Thursday nights now!
The difference between Fairplay and Cirie, however, is that Fairplay knows he's a swing vote between the two opposing groups of four. One side is voting for Perverti, and the other side is voting for Eliza. Cirie is just clueless. I'll say it again; some things never change...
But as the day wears on, the gods of irony start to shine on the islands of Micronesia. Fairplay, despite being in the best position in his tribe, begins to get homesick for his woman and his soon-to-be-illegitimate child back home. He decides that maybe he needs to go home to check on his ersatz family to make sure they're okay. And while he's at it, he can check on his terminally ill grandmother. Sorry, just had to get a few more cracks in...
He tells the rest of the tribe his sob story, and it is met with mixed reactions. Perverti wants the other alliance to vote for Fairplay so her alliance can vote for Eliza. Ami suspects a trap. Yau Man has an idol, so he doesn't care. Cirie will vote for anybody whose name is not "Cirie." Jonathon wants to know if he can mutiny and go join the tribe with the boob implants. Personally, I am thinking that the entire tribe should unite under the overriding philosophy of "take the easy vote, you morons!"
What will Tribal Council hold? We are left wondering as to Fairplay's intentions as night falls. We see the brand-new, non-recycled Tribal Council set, constructed in the middle of a lagoon with the leftover production props from "Waterworld." (Paramount had to recoup the losses somehow.) The losers arrive at the ceremonial fire pit, where Probst says "Fire means life. Loves means never having to say you're sorry. An earring in the right ear means you're gay. Yada, yada, yada. Is everybody lit? No, I meant your torches, Fairplay!" With the pleasantries aside, Probst begins the most enjoyable part of his job.
Fairplay, what happened? Probably too much food and too much arrogance. And Eliza's eyeball was rolling around on the forest floor; yeah, that didn't help. Eliza, what about reputations? Everyone is cool, except Fairplay, who will always be "Survivor's" biggest scumbag, no matter what he ever says or does.
And with that, attention turns to Fairplay. Probst asks if he really is a scumbag. Fairplay says I want to go home to see my not-wife and my not-kid. Am I a horrible person for being out here? The tribe agrees that he's a horrible person regardless. Is Fairplay a good dad or just a weenie-man? Yau Man thinks it's a scam. Ozzy thinks he's really a weenie-man. Jonathon says who cares, he's going home anyway. Where's Candace?
Well, then, let's make it official! The tribe votes, and we see only Jonathon and Yau Man's votes. They both vote for Fairplay, and wish him the best. As long as the "best" is back at Loser's Lodge. Probst tallies the votes, and it is not even close. The vote is 9-1, and Fairplay happily rises to let Probst snuff his torch. And with a whimper, the most notorious villian in "Survivor" history heads down the gangway, searching for a Micronesian "Babies 'R Us." Probst is shaking his head as the remaining Favorites head out, knowing that the ratings boon Mark Burnett had predicted will never come to pass, now. Worse than that, now the men in my tent will have to cook meals for a week!!
Next week, the ancient spectre of "Workers versus Lazies" surfaces even at the camp of the superfans, while the "Alliance of Congugal Convenience" kicks it up a notch at the Malakal camp. And Exile Island makes a glorious return, with TWO people searching for ONE idol. Cousin Hassim says throw in a couple of machetes, and watch those ratings climb!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Trader of the Desert Sands
