Alcohol

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)
Alcohol and calculus don't mix; don't drink and derive.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin)
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I drink to make other people interesting. (George Jean Nathan)
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. (Deep Thought, Jack Handy)
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap. (Thomas Jefferson)
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
Ociffer, I swear to drunk, I'm not God!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Put it back in the horse! (H. Allen Smith, after he drank his first American beer at a bar)
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Dave Barry)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I decided to give up reading. (Henny Youngman)
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. (David Moulton)
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

Drugs

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I don't like crack, I just like the way it smells. (Motley Creu)
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Food

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I love babies - If they are prepared well...
I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
The four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and microwaved.
The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Fun

5 days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
All excellent things are as difficult as they are rare. (Benedict Spinoza)
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Every style that is not boring is good. (Voltaire)
'I think, Pooh,' said Christopher Robin, 'that we ought to eat all of our provisions, so that we have less to carry.'
The problem with sex in the movies is that you usually spill the popcorn and drinks.
This isn't brain surgery. It's just television. (David Letterman)

Money

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! ( Everett Dirkson)
A business exists because the consumer is willing to pay you his money. You run a business to satisfy the consumer. That isn't marketing. That goes way beyond marketing.
A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
After a certain point money is meaningless. It ceases to be the goal. The game is what counts.
All I ever wanted was to have what other people have.
Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. (Josh Billings)
An economist is a person who, when he finds something that works in practice, wonders if it will work in history.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to market it. (Samuel Butler)
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Can I run Stacker on my Visa?
Capitalism without capital is just an ism. (Jesse Jackson)
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Consumers are statistics. Customers are people.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Crime is the ultimate tax on enterprise. It must be reduced or eliminated before poor people can fully share in the American dream. (James K. Stewart)
Gambling is a tax on stupidity. (John Urquhart)
I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it. (Will Rodgers)
In America , it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. (Oscar Wilde)
It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Money can't buy real friendship, but sometimes it helps.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving an income tax refund.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.

Sports

A Smith and Wesson beat's four aces.
Football combines two of the worst aspects of American life: violence and committee meetings.
Holland world football team has to play in Toulouse ( France ), so now it's... 'to lose or not to lose'
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. (Will Rogers )
Truck Pulls: for people who don't understand WWF.
Winning isn't everything. Wanting to win is. (Catfish Hunter)
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.

Miscellaneous

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
If you wake up in the morning, stretch your arms, and can't feel the sides of the coffin, you know it's going to be a great day.