Alcohol
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
inventory.
- A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix; don't drink and
derive.
- Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
- Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
- Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy. (Benjamin Franklin)
- Beer: Nature's laxative.
- Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- I drink to make other people interesting. (George
Jean Nathan)
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. (Deep Thought, Jack Handy)
- It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
- Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap. (Thomas
Jefferson)
- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a
vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)
- Ociffer, I swear to drunk, I'm not God!
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Put it back in the horse! (H. Allen Smith, after he
drank his first American beer at a bar)
- Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of
alcohol.
- When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of
800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an
entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Dave Barry)
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I decided to
give up reading. (Henny Youngman)
- Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine. (David Moulton)
- Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave
Barry)
Drugs
- Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to
face cancer.
- Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't
remember...
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the
scenic route.
- I don't like crack, I just like the way it smells. (Motley
Creu)
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got
stuck in my nose.
Food
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to
be a vegetarian.
- I love babies - If they are prepared well...
- I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of
candy can make you gain five pounds.
- Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
- The four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and
microwaved.
- The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and
respect the law should never watch either one being made.
- You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Fun
- 5 days a week, my body is a temple. The other two,
it's an amusement park.
- A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
- A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering
everywhere.
- Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
- Acting is an art which consists of keeping the
audience from coughing.
- All excellent things are as difficult as they are
rare. (Benedict Spinoza)
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish
to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional
to the number of viewers.
- Every style that is not boring is good. (Voltaire)
- 'I think, Pooh,' said Christopher Robin, 'that we
ought to eat all of our provisions, so that we have less to carry.'
- The problem with sex in the movies is that you usually
spill the popcorn and drinks.
- This isn't brain surgery. It's just television. (David
Letterman)
Money
- A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds
up to real money! (
Everett
Dirkson)
- A business exists because the consumer is willing to
pay you his money. You run a business to satisfy the consumer. That isn't
marketing. That goes way beyond marketing.
- A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone
that is perfect.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- A penny saved is ridiculous.
- After a certain point money is meaningless. It ceases
to be the goal. The game is what counts.
- All I ever wanted was to have what other people have.
- Always live within your income, even if you have to
borrow money to do so. (Josh Billings)
- An economist is a person who, when he finds something
that works in practice, wonders if it will work in history.
- Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man
to be able to market it. (Samuel Butler)
- Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
- Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which
you need more.
- Can I run Stacker on my Visa?
- Capitalism without capital is just an ism. (Jesse
Jackson)
- Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not
cheap.
- Consumers are statistics. Customers are people.
- Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
- Crime is the ultimate tax on enterprise. It must be
reduced or eliminated before poor people can fully share in the American
dream. (James K. Stewart)
- Gambling is a tax on stupidity. (John Urquhart)
- I would rather be the man who bought the
Brooklyn
Bridge
than the man who sold
it. (Will Rodgers)
- In
America
, it's not how much an
item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
- It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a
bank at night.
- It is better to have a permanent income than to be
fascinating. (Oscar Wilde)
- It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
- Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an
item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
- Money can't buy real friendship, but sometimes it
helps.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial
reasons.
- Money will say more in one moment than the most
eloquent lover can in years.
- Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so
satisfying as receiving an income tax refund.
- Put not your trust in money, but put your money in
trust.
- Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it
wasn't two dollars.
Sports
- A Smith and Wesson beat's four aces.
- Football combines two of the worst aspects of American
life: violence and committee meetings.
-
Holland
world football team has
to play in
Toulouse
(
France
), so now it's... 'to
lose or not to lose'
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she
is.
- My problem with most athletic challenges is training.
I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
- The income tax has made liars out of more Americans
than golf. (Will
Rogers
)
- Truck Pulls: for people who don't understand WWF.
- Winning isn't everything. Wanting to win is. (Catfish
Hunter)
- You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
Miscellaneous
- Gardening
Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If
it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The
easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- Never
take life seriously. Nobody gets
out alive anyway.
- There
are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
- Life
is sexually transmitted.
- An
unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- If
quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said,
"Quit while you're ahead?"
- Health
is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Get
the last word in: Apologize.
- Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some
people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have
you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they use to?
- Whenever
I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All
of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why
does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial
tax cut save you thirty cents?
- In
the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Politics
is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.
- How
is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?
- You
read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they
hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration!
- If you wake up in the morning, stretch your
arms, and can't feel the sides of the coffin, you know it's going to be a
great day.